Embrace Shyness

Shells are there to be listened to.  They are not there so that people can be forced out of them.

My first school report which I skipped home with at the tender age of four - it didn't mention that I would write sizeable stories about a girl who lived in a jungle, draw a picture every single day, had made up my own code language and had just as many friends as any other child in the class despite the fact that I would rarely utter a word to anyone.  Perhaps it did but all those things were rendered rather insignificant when the overriding comment made was that I was 'painfully shy to the point of being selectively mute'.  

Shy - a given label that seemed to follow me for the rest of my life.

I have often felt as though people have seen my shyness almost as an impairment.  It was something that I had to be seen to overcome rather than for it being accepted or even embraced.  I remember a great deal of coaxing being involved to get me to hold up a piece of my art work and say just one word to describe it in a school assembly.  On occasion I was told off for my 'rudeness' when I appeared to ignore or not respond if I was asked a question.  As I got the impression that my shyness was a problem or a defect, I felt a great deal of pressure to speak and that pressure could cause me to shut down completely.  Sometimes the words just didn't come out and it was more frustrating than I could express.  It still happens now but only when I am extremely anxious - the words just don't come out.  I don't deny that I was withdrawn and suffered from a degree of social anxiety but I believe beneath it all, I was and still am a genuinely quiet person.  Drawing attention to my shyness appeared only to serve to exacerbate it.

I have been quiet for as long as I can remember.  It may have been the product of the environment I grew up in that I felt the need to withdraw from the world but nonetheless, as a child, I would always tuck myself away for hours producing artwork, creating models or writing extensive plays and stories.  That was what I knew and that was my sanctuary.

While my shyness seemed to be treated like a problem by others, I gradually came to the realisation that it didn't need to feel that way as I saw that it didn't have to hold me back and I don't think it ever has.  I've always had a good group of friends around me.  Being shy doesn't mean that I can't interact with others, socialise, laugh, joke and share my experiences.  I take time to warm up to people but I get there in the end and when I'm around people who I am close to, I can become more outgoing.  Shyness has never held me back from participating in discussions and expressing my opinion, I just have to push myself a bit more.  It has never stopped me giving speeches, presentations or performing in front of hundreds of people.  I guess I can just switch it on when I need to.

The only thing I find difficult about being shy is that some people find it difficult to accept.  As with everything, it can be hard not to let other people get you down.  What it essentially comes down to though is that if people cannot accept you for who you are, then they are not deserving of your time, worry or tears.  It's whether you accept yourself for who you are that truly matters and on that note, I am going to share some thoughts that have helped me to embrace my shyness.  Perhaps they may help you if you're are ever faced with the dreaded 'why are you so quiet?' question.

There are introverts and extroverts and the world needs both types of people.

It could be said that extroverts tend to dominate but perhaps it's the introverts who are making the real gains, they just don't shout about it.  The world is full of different people and it really does take all sorts!  Likewise, role models come in different forms.  There's a great deal to be learnt from the introverts as well as the extroverts.

So you haven't got a lot to say?  That doesn't mean that what you do say won't be valued.

Surely a few thoughtful contributions to a conversation count for a lot more than a spiel of verbal diarrhea!   

You don't have to overcome or free yourself from shyness to be successful.

Shyness should not be seen as a deficit, a hindrance or a constraint.  Being shy doesn't mean you can't achieve all the things you want to in life.  I truly believe that if you want something enough, you'll make it happen.  Shyness is a quality to be valued.  As with anything, if you embrace shyness with a positive attitude so will other people.  Success comes in many different forms, you don't have to be an extrovert to leave a mark or make a difference.

Communication does not have to be verbal.

There are so many other forms of communication that are important.  So much can be communicated in a look, a gaze, a smile, a wink.  A lot can be shared even though it may lie unspoken.  There are so many means of expression that don't rely on speech.  Perhaps you just find it easier to express yourself through writing, art, music or whatever medium you turn to by choice.

There's a lot to be said for times of quiet.

It can be a noisy world out there.  Whole days can be filled with chatter, some of it meaningful and most of it idle gossip or small talk.  There is a lot to be said for taking time to step back, listen, think, observe and reflect.

A lot can be learnt by listening and observing.

So you're not a talker?  That probably means you're a better listener than most.  You can feel as though you are watching the world go by but that doesn't mean you're not a part of it.  Maybe you see the subtleties and little details of life which other people may overlook when they're too busy gassing!  You observe the world from a different perspective and one that can offer great insight.

It's okay to keep a bit back for yourself.

You don't have to put everything out there for the whole world to see, by keeping a part of you in reserve for yourself, you can be resourceful, creative and independent.  Others may just be able to tolerate being along for a few hours or days, you have the ability to actually enjoy it.

People who try to get you down just make you appreciate the ones who accept you for who you are even more.

I'm not going to lie, it can be easy to get upset when it feels as though people don't understand you, don't accept you and worse, want to change you.  In one of my previous places of work, some of my colleagues used to pick on my shyness.  It was all done in jest and in a jokey manner but there was a point when it just got boring.  Being asked ridiculous questions such as, 'Do you actually speak?' and pressurising me to say something, I took it all with a laugh and a smile but in truth, it hurt me.  The thing that got me was that I would never have told them that I thought they were too loud and try to change them.  I accepted them for who they were so why couldn't they accept me in the same way?  Not everyone is like that though.  I have lots of people in my life who are there for me and who I feel valued by.  When you are surrounded by people who accept you for who you are, those who don't become insignificant.  Often people who take pleasure in picking out faults in others are blind to the ones that exist in themselves.

You're not alone.  There are may wonderful people out there who are just as shy as you.

I have been told that I need to 'come out of my shell' countless times throughout my life but my response has always been the same - 

I don't have a shell to come out of.  What you see is what you get.

Embrace Shyness.

The One Day Seeker