How A DID System Works - Navigating Being Me :)

Following the success of my previous post on DID - A Life in Fragments: Dissociative Identity Disorder - I decided to write a further post explaining a bit more about how a DID system works.
If you want to know more about what Dissociative Identity Disorder is, then I recommend you read my previous post first as, hopefully, it will help to make a bit more sense of this one.
Anyway, as I've explained before, DID entails that a person's identity is separated out into different parts that may hold traumatic memories, certain emotions, beliefs, values and ways of perceiving the world.  Some people might refer instead to alters - separate identities, with different names and with their own autobiographical histories.  Nonetheless, however it might manifest, the condition is ultimately characterised by a fragmented sense of identity.
(I am going to refer to parts of my identity in this blog post because that is more true to my own personal experience of the condition but I hope the points I make will still be applicable to a number of understandings and experiences of DID).

What is a DID system?
With DID, the parts of you operate as a system, through which you navigate every day life experiences.  Some parts will be important to functioning in every day life - covering the basics of eating, dressing, working, paying bills etc.  Other parts may have a role to play in experiencing certain difficult emotions - they hold that emotion so that the rest of the system won't have to endure it.  Some parts may be responsible for looking after some traumatic memories, again protecting other parts of the identity from the trauma.  It is important to remember that everyone's system works differently, we are all individuals after all but ultimately, each part of a DID system has a good and important role to play - they were created for a reason.  If you suffer from DID, every day is navigated through your system of parts.  By this I mean, decision making, even over something as basic as food shopping, can involve negotiation between the wants and needs of various parts of yourself - sometimes all of them with quite separate agendas.  Everything you feel, see and experience, may involuntarily draw different parts into the mix.
I personally have found it quite difficult to think of myself as 'a system' as I am a person after all and dissociative identity disorder doesn't change that - the parts of me are just quite simply what makes me me.  However, it is clear to me and I do accept that my every day life is run by a system of parts and most of the time, I have to say, the system works pretty well - each part knows its own job well!
I am a person but I am made up of parts that work as a system.

I am going to share a bit about my own system in order to explain a bit about how a DID system works...
I have given a lot of thought to this undertaking and I have had some anxieties and reservations about it, mainly because I am essentially bearing so much of my inner world and experience to others - a world that most people can't see and are rarely even aware of, even though it is a very much real and happening underpinning of my existence.
I'm not going to lie, it feels a bit scary - putting myself out there, even anonymously, can be scary.
It has taken a lot of negotiation with every part of myself to be able to write and share this but I have their agreement and I think that's because ultimately every single part of myself wants to be heard and understood; I think every human being wants to feel heard and understood.
I am sharing this information, in the interest of raising awareness about Dissociative Identity Disorder but also in the hope that it may help others with the condition to make sense and accept any similar experiences they might have.

A little while ago, as part of my own journey - I creatively brought together all seven parts of myself onto one page.
If you suffer from DID yourself, this is something I would really recommend doing.
It could help you to consider the role each part of you plays and also how the different parts interact, communicate and work alongside one another, or even why the don't at times.
As DID can make your existence and experiences feel very fragmented and separate at times, it can also be helpful to try and pull all the parts of you onto one page.
Integration is ultimately the aim of recovery and I certainly found that purely the act of trying to map myself out on one page was a significant step in that direction.

So here's a little bit about each part of myself...
As I've said before, they all have the same name (my name) as they are, after all, parts of the same person.  However, I distinguish between them and identify them by the ages they seem to be stuck at.

2/3 year old part

Quite nonverbal - as you might expect!

Doesn't like to hear people shouting.

Easily frustrated and angry - surrounded by a noisy chaos that she doesn't understand...

Though sees and understands more about other people than they realise.

Feels ignored, as though her screams and cries aren't heard.

Phobic of blood - linked to trauma.

Extreme phobia of certain smells - food related.

Loves flowers, especially sunflowers or anything yellow because it reminds her of getting away to enjoy happier times.

4/5 year old part

(Please be aware that I have processed a lot of the traumatic memories associated with this part so she feels far more healed, free and positive than she once was, which is great!)

Very shy and quiet - covers her face a lot.

Selectively mute - the words get stuck and just don't come out but...
She likes to show people things to try to communicate, especially her cuddly lamb!

Just wants to see people smile and be happy :)

Strong connection with her favourite doll Janine who's hair fell out during an incident of abuse but she's realised that she loves her just the same - hair or no hair!

Excitable!

Loves the outdoors and sees it in a dreamy state - especially loves summer!
Sees the beauty in things - loves collecting shells.

Used to hold a lot of guilt but now she is a bit of a free spirit - likes to run around like an aeroplane.

6/7 year old part

Holds a lot of sadness.

Blames herself for a lot of things that aren't her fault - thinks she's bad.

Feels lonely, abandoned and not good enough.

Hates seeing other people sad as she thinks it means they will abandon her.

Holds a lot of traumatic memories of sexual abuse.

Very scared of men, especially men with moustaches.

A lot of shame - feels disgusting, even poisoned (we're working on this...)

Wants to disappear.

Fears punishment.

Scared of the darkness and sees the world as a very scary and dangerous place.

Afraid of crying - fears punishment or something bad happening as a result.

Doesn't like being watched or touched - afraid of what might lie behind doors that are slightly ajar.

Finds it difficult to trust others.

Selectively mute.

Loves her teddy - a source of comfort.

Sometimes in moments of quiet, with the sun on her face and the sound of the sea in the background, she can feel transported away from the awful things that happened to her.

9/10 year old part

Very disconnected from others, especially family- feels ignored so learnt not to bother.

Feels as though she doesn't need anyone other than herself.

Feels unwanted.

Focused on running away and escaping bad situations.

Likes birds - they can fly away.

Doesn't need possessions.

Has an urge to walk endlessly in the darkness in search of better times.

Has an inner confidence and strength - believes she is capable of more than what others might think.

Can speak when she needs to - can perform.

Believes in magic and fantasy - they give her hope and make her feel as though she has powers inside of her that others don't see or appreciate.

Likes hiding under blankets and making dens - she likes her own space.

11-13 year old part

Perfectionist.

Anorexic.

Heavily focused upon feeling in control.

Hates guns and gun shot sounds.

Comes across as being quite cold, insensitive and heartless

but has hidden depths.

Hard working/stress head.

Her worst critic.

No matter how hard she tries, it never feels enough -
she often looks out the window wishing she was anyone but her.

Very black and white in thinking with rigid boundaries - likes rules.

Absolutely despises alcohol - blaming the substance feels more straightforward than blaming the people who misuse it.

Fiercely loyal, even to those who let her down time and time again.

Puts far too much responsibility on herself - feels it is her job to save people.

Carries the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Very frantic and worried about wasting time - she sees every passing second as a chance to turn everyone else's situation around.

Wears a mask to hide the turmoil inside.

Very shut off from others - is afraid of the consequences if she was to open up.

Yet is secretly desperate to be understood.
Holds a lot of denial - especially regarding the memories and experiences of the 6/7 year old part.

Can give the impression that she doesn't care about others but, in truth, cares deeply - she hates to see others hurting.

Cares deeply about the protection of children - almost acts like a guardian angel to younger children - she doesn't want anything bad happening to them.

18 year old part

Feels more male than female.

Suicidal.

Severely depressed.

Feels incapable of being an adult.

Very destructive and impulsive - life feels unbearable and he is desperate for the pain to end.

Feels destined for failure - if things are going well then it's a sign that they are going to go desperately wrong very soon.

Lacking in motivation and any trace of self esteem.

Feels worthless, insignificant, beyond help, out of control, undeserving and guilty for any attempts to reach out for help.

Sees his end as inevitable - his only concern is to lessen the pain caused to others.

Feels as though his only purpose is to serve and look after others - he thinks they matter so much  more than him.

Adult self

(Believe it or not, this was the most difficult part to reflect upon and describe - it represents quite a current, functioning part of me.)

Currently 24 years old and is the host of the system - largely monitors and coordinates communication between other parts and in many ways, acts as their protector.

Pro-recovery - committed to life and very determined to see things through.

Feels unprepared for adult life but is willing to try to be the responsible and caring adult that the younger parts of her need.

Is a trier - probably tries too hard sometimes.

Sensitive - wears her heart on her sleeve.

Positive - tries to look for the positives in bad situations.

Creative.

Just wants to make some kind of difference.

(I surprised myself in the sense that I actually managed to identify a lot of positive characteristics about myself!)

So a bit more about how it all works...

Characteristics

As you can see above from what I've listed about each part of me, each part of a DID system has its own distinct set of characteristics.  Some parts may have more in common than others.  

You might wonder how a part can have an age range - surely they would be stuck at one age?  This may be the case in other systems but in my experience sometimes a part seems a little older me and sometimes a little younger, depending upon the context in which they are present, yet at the same time, I can still tell it is the same part.  I've heard other people refer to parts like these as 'age sliders' before.

You may have noted as well that I identify my 18 year old part as being 'more male than female'.

The parts of a DID system are personality states, which are generally considered to be gender neutral.  However, sometimes you might attach a gender to certain characteristics.  I think this came about for me because my 18 year old part has a lot of characteristics that I associated or experienced more as coming from male figures in my life and hence when the 18 year old part features in my experience, it looks and feels to me more male than female.  I have read that it is common for people with DID to have some parts or alters who are the opposite to their assigned gender.

Out of all the parts of me, the 18 year old part was the most difficult to accept and largely due to the fact that I experience him as male.  The rest of the system, particularly the younger, child parts are extremely fearful of men.  It has taken a lot of reassurance by my adult self towards my younger parts to help them to realise that not all men are the same, he is a part of what makes us whole and is not as much of a threat as they might think, to reach a level of acceptance of this part.  As a result, the 18 year old part is quite distanced from the other parts but he is starting to feel a little closer.

Some characteristics will be clearer than others

Everyone's experience is different.  

A part may have such distinctive characteristics that you can picture them as clearly as you could picture a family member, others may feel far more vague and fluid, not so much like an identity at all, more like just a slight presence.  A DID system is not perfect, as with many things, it is a work in progress, so it may be that some parts of your identity become clearer to you over time.

Or it may be that they don't and that's okay.

I have a far less clearer sense of what my 2/3 year old part is all about compared to my understanding and experience of other parts, perhaps that comes with the age of the part but she is just as important as the others nonetheless.

I've also heard that some people have parts that don't necessarily feel human, they might manifest as animals, for example.

This is not something that I would say is true of myself but I suppose I can understand how it might occur.

Apparently, when I was 4 years old, I behaved like a tiger consistently for a whole day at school - involving walking around on all fours and only responding to others with a roar! 

Yet at the end of the day, when my concerned teacher spoke to my mum about it, I looked puzzled and had absolutely no memory of it.  

So I suppose there was potential there for me to have a tiger part!

I think we tend to attach certain characteristics to some animals - tigers can be fierce but a protector.

Hence why they might have a role to play in a DID system.

Limited range of thoughts and emotions.

What essentially characterises the parts of a DID system is that they each have a very limited range of thoughts an emotions.  It can be as though they can only feel and think a certain way and that one way is often better suited to a specific past situation rather than things that are happening in the present.

This is where you can run into problems.

There may be more parts than you once thought.

Since the time of writing my previous blog post on dissociative identity issues, I discovered another part of my system that I was previously unaware of - the 9/10 year old part.

It is not as though these 'new parts' suddenly appear out of nowhere, they have always been around, it is just that the person has not become aware of them until certain experiences cause them to become more prominent.

As I've said, life with DID is more a journey and a process - things change along the way and you discover more about what makes you you.  I feel as though I have now identified all the parts of myself but there may well be more.  However, the number of parts is not so important, the main thing is try to work with what you've got - listen, try to understand their role and encourage communication and cooperation between them (and whoever else might come along :) )

Awareness amongst parts of one another.

The parts of a DID system will have varied levels of awareness of one another.

I am quite confident that all my parts are now aware of the existence of one another but it definitely has not always been that way.

Awareness can also grow between parts through time and inner communication.

While all my parts are aware of the existence of one another, they interact with one another to varying extent and they might not be so aware of some of the experiences, emotions or memories of each part - that is what keeps the parts separate and distinct from each other.  

For example, my 11-13 year old part can be quite dominant and dismissive towards the experiences and feelings of my 6/7 year old part.  She is very shut off from the traumatic memories that the 6/7 year old part holds.  However, this is more an inner conflict rather than a lack of awareness.

While my 18 year old part is aware of the other parts in the system, he has sometimes tried to labour under the pretence that the other parts do not exist as the parts that want to live inevitably pose problems for his destructive intentions.

Other people may have similar experiences to these?

(I hope so anyway...)

An inner world?

I've read that some people with DID can almost picture an inner world in which the parts of themselves live.  It might be a house or building with separate rooms for each part.

I do feel as though I have an inner world in which the parts of me reside but I wouldn't say it's something that I could visualise in that way.

I have created some inner safe places within my mind for the parts of me and I can visualise the parts in those places.

However, generally my inner world consists of lots of voices and conversations inside my head - it's as though there's this whole parallel world with so much going on inside there but no one else can see it.  Quite often, the parts of me will come out and be in the world I see in front of me but again, it is an experience that only I can see and am aware of.

I feel as though this has almost become the mantra of this blog post but everyone's experience is different, I think you just have to try to accept your experience for what it is.

Present in different ways and with varying levels of influence.

Some of this, I have already covered but parts of a system manifest in different ways and not always in the same way.  You might see a part of yourself visually in front of you.  You might hear their voice and be able to listen to what they are saying.  You might know that they're there and know what they are thinking or feeling even though they might not tell you as such - a sort of instinctive knowing - they are a part of you so I suppose that makes sense and it can be really useful.  

You might just sense their presence.  

You might become more aware that they were around after the event.

To give an example - the other day, when I was trying to get out of a train station, my ticket wouldn't go through the barrier, there was no one around so I had to call one of those help point things.  The man I spoke to was quite grumpy, said my ticket should have gone through but did let me through.

My adult self who takes charge of those kind of day to day encounters thought - 

He was a bit grumpy!  Maybe he had a bad day but that's no excuse - he was trying to make me sound a bit stupid, which I'm not!  Ah, well, I'm going home now, I can forget about him.

However, when I got home, I started feeling quite frightened and upset and I didn't really know why.  As far as the adult part of me was concerned, I had moved on from the grumpy ticket barrier man and it wasn't a big deal at all.  Yet I realised that a child part of me hadn't been able to move on in the same way - she didn't like the man's tone of voice, it stirred up memories of emotional abuse, feeling criticised and memories of sexual abuse also came into the mix.

More than one part can be present at the same time - this is called being co-conscious.

I think what makes DID so complex is that levels of consciousness can be so varied and can change rapidly.  For example, you may just be aware that there is another part around, hear their concerns yet feel as though you are very much in control of your actions, thoughts and behaviours.  Yet it could become more blurred - you might start feeling as though you become more in that part than the one you were originally but the original part is still there directing a few things.  You might even feel as though you are watching a part of you from behind, walking behind them, knowing what they are doing yet not fully feeling in control of it.

On the flip side, you might find yourself somewhere and not know how you got there.

It might feel as though there is a complete gap in time and you may find or hear evidence of things you did during that time and yet have no memory of it.

This is known as a full switch and it can be terrifying - you feel so out of control.

This doesn't tend to happen within my system so much now and if it does, through communication between parts, I can generally piece together most of what happened.

Dissociative experiences occur on a spectrum and so the parts of you can have a varying amount of influence over your thoughts, emotions and behaviour at different times.

The roles of different parts

Each DID system forms part of an individual and so each part of a system has their own unique role to play.  At the same time though there are some general types of roles that are generally found within DID systems...

A part that is responsible for functioning in daily life

For me, that is my adult part.  That is the part of me that most people know as being me, the part of me who generally gets myself up in the morning, attends to my basic needs like washing, dressing eating, gets myself to work, interacts with other people, engages in necessary but mundane tasks such as the housework and managing finances etc.

Most of the time, it is this part who is leading my life but quite often things that are happening in my current life - generally certain emotions and triggers of traumatic memories, cause other parts to become more present, influence me and even take over for a while.

Parts that hold traumatic memories

This is true of all the parts of me - they were all formed out of traumatic experiences.

One part can hold onto a traumatic memory so that the rest of you doesn't have to and so that you can continue to function - DID is clever in this way.

However, what it means is that the part of you who holds the traumatic memory, is very much consumed by it and they see and feel everything through the context of that traumatic experience.

What may have happened over 15 years ago can feel very current to some parts of the system, so much so that it can feel as though it only happened yesterday or even that it is still happening now.

Parts that hold certain emotions

Similarly, to parts that hold traumatic memories, if there is a certain emotion that you find very difficult to cope with, then it may make life feel more manageable if one part of you almost entirely contains that emotion.

In my case, my 6/7 year old contains a lot of sadness and shame, where as my 11-13 year old part is very fearful of any emotion or inner experience.

You often find that if one part of you feels too much, then another one will feel too little.

The parts of you that hold certain emotions are likely to be completely consumed by it, in a way that is overwhelming and to the extent that they may not be able to feel anything else.

Helper/Protector parts

In my case, my adult part has definitely taken on the role of helper - she especially feels a sense of duty to comfort and soothe the younger parts of me who see the world as a very frightening place at times.  While my 11-13 year old part has been quite dominant and dismissive of my younger parts in the past, she now often takes on the role of helper and protector as she hates to see people (particularly children) hurt or sad.  In many ways, well at least I think I've discovered, all the parts can use their different but limited range of experiences to help one another.

Parts that imitate the people who hurt you

I confess that this is a concept that I have found a little scary.

I wouldn't say that I have parts that completely imitate the people who abused me but I can see that some do share characteristics.  For example, my 18 year old part being male and also having a 'giving up' quality about him is reminiscent of a negative male figure in my past and the highly critical side of my 11-13 year old part is reminiscent of some of the emotional abuse I experienced.

What I've realised though is that it does make sense that you may have parts that imitate the people who hurt you and that doesn't make you weak or evil.  For better or worse, we are inevitably influenced by the people in our lives, including those who hurt us, they leave their mark.

It is what we choose to with that influence that shapes the person we become.

I'm not going to say DID is fun, easy or like having lots of imaginary friends but sometimes the only way to fully accept something is to embrace it.

I think there can be a tendency to see DID as something excitingly interesting - like having 'headmates' or being an 'excuse' to behave like a child.  This is certainly not the impression I want to give and does not feel true of my own experiences.  The parts of my system are not 'headmates' or 'imaginary friends' they are all parts of the same person - me.  They were essentially formed out of the trauma I endured and there is nothing fun about that.  They represent the most difficult, traumatic and excruciatingly painful experiences of my life and to some extent, they are still trapped in those experiences and that can make navigating every day life challenging to say the least.

That's not to say that DID doesn't have its funny or entertaining moments - its a very significant aspect of my life and life does have its good moments too.

There are times when I wish my life could feel a little less complicated and more straightforward.

When I've experienced switches between parts and then have later been filled in with what happened during my time gap, the adult part of me has felt truly embarrassed by my behaviour when I have switched to a younger part and have essentially behaved like a child in front of others.

However, usually upon further reflection, I conclude that switches and experiences like these happen for a reason.  Why should I feel embarrassed over a part of myself purely being herself?  It's all part of a wider picture that shapes out the person I am and I can learn far more about myself by embracing these experiences rather than dismissing them as embarrassing.

Running away or hiding from difficult things just makes them come back ten times stronger, sometimes acceptance comes from just embracing whatever it is that lays out in front of you.

All the parts want to live and get better - they were made for survival.

This is a concept that I really try to hold on to.

You may question how this can be the case when I have a part of me who is suicidal but I think really what he always held on to was that he wanted an escape or for the pain to end, I don't think he ever truly wanted to die, it's just suicide stood out as the ultimate method of escape.  However, through communication with other parts, sometimes I think he realises that life is not so unbearable now that he needs that kind of escape; he wants to live too.  I truly believe that all my parts want to live and get better - that's why they're there and they wouldn't let him destroy that.

Ultimately, the reason why DID develops in the first place is to protect us from the trauma we endured so that we can go on to live and survive.

With time the parts of a DID system can discover that they can help one another to make life feel better.

I plan to write another blog post about ways of encouraging inner communication and cooperation within a DID system that I hope will go some way in explaining some of these ideas in more detail.

For now, let me just say, thank you for reading what has turned out to be another rather lengthy blog post.  I hope you either found it informative or it helped you to reflect upon some of your own experiences.

Love and Strength,

The One Day Seeker.