2014 - This was My Year

The granddad whom I lived with and cared for unexpectedly passed away in the middle of my local shopping centre.

The horse that I had looked after and trained for the past 3 years had to be sold and while she was just an animal, losing her honestly felt like losing a part of myself.

I tried to carry on with the job I loved while struggling to hide the symptoms of my mental illnesses.

I went through a bout of severe restriction and starvation which lead to me coming uncomfortably close to collapsing at work on several occasions.

I experienced repeated panic attacks and dissociative episodes for over 5 hours when staying over at a friend's house and most probably scared the crap out of her in the process.

The karate squad I coached  achieved some of their biggest national and international titles to date.

I made the courageous decision to cut my toxic, manipulative, controlling, aggressive,  alcoholic father out of my life for the time being in order to focus on my own recovery.

I started to increase my food intake again but my mood completely crashed and my anxiety reached new heights.

When not at work I spent whole weekends inside, too anxious to leave my bedroom, let alone go out the front door.

I got my hair cut by someone other than myself for the first time in over 10 years.

I experienced countless panic attacks in pub and restaurant toilets when attempting to go out and socialise with friends.

I became completely intent on taking my life and made extensive plans to do so.

I made a number of dissociative visits to various places with the idea in my head that I was visiting these places for the last time.

My therapist discovered one of my plans to end my life, I was taken for an emergency assessment and was told that I was facing sectioning.

I went to work even though I knew there was a strong possibility I would be sectioned that day.

Yet again I came scarily close to taking my life.

Through the complete failure of the mental health services, I escaped sectioning and was placed on a safety and stabilisation programme with a social worker under my local community mental health team.

I made yet another attempt at starting a fresh and committing myself to living.

I burnt all my previous suicide notes and plans.

I came clean to my mum about my suicidal ideation, failed plans, attempts and near sectioning - all of which she had absolutely no knowledge of up to this point despite the fact I was living in the same house as her.

I got my two gorgeous little bunnies, Hope and Saoirse, whom I love to bits.  I bought them with the intention that caring for them would give me more reason to carry on living.

My stepsister got married although I dissociated and collapsed at her wedding and hence unfortunately I have little memory of the occasion.

My mum got married to my wonderful stepdad.

I had a disastrous appointment with the social worker I was allocated and the following day, I was stopped from taking my life by two of my work colleagues (who are also very close friends of mine) and I was taken to A&E.

I had my first psychiatric inpatient admission which was undoubtedly the toughest yet much needed experience of my life.

I ended up being transferred to what I considered to be the hospital from hell and managed to get myself discharged.

I spent some painful months at home in the care of my mum and stepdad in which I put them through more trying times than I'd want to admit.

I wrote a post on my Facebook wall opening up to near enough everyone I know about my struggles with mental health.  For some reason, Facebook felt like the easiest way to do it and I was astounded by how well my post was received.

My brother left to go to Japan for a year.

My baby cousin was born and I was delighted that I pushed myself to travel up to London to visit him despite me being very ill at the time.

I ate a cheese toastie for the first time.

I was officially diagnosed with BPD, CPTSD and AN.

I made the decision to take medication for the first time in my life and that decision changed so much for me!

My mood improved and I was able to manage my anxiety better than I ever had done before.

I find it hard to explain this in words but I feel I took back some control over my life and so much of my mindset began to change. 

I started this blog :)

I took long walks through the countryside and along the beach and for the first time in a very long time, I was truly happy to be alive.

I went on an amazing camping trip to the beautiful Wye Valley with my parents and some of our family friends.

I made it to my 23rd birthday which felt like more of a milestone than I ever thought it would.

I had a lovely time at the theatre with some friends from work for the first time in years.

I decided to leave the karate club I had been a part of for over 13 years.  It was one of the best decisions I made in the interest of my recovery but it meant leaving behind the talented group of young people I had coached and had become very attached to over the years.

I saw my baby bunnies grow up to become little porkers!

I started my trauma therapy sessions with an amazing therapist who helped me to help myself far more than anyone had ever done.

My brother returned from Japan early.

I got out and about far more than I ever had done before.

I went out for meals and to the pub with friends and was able to chat and have a laugh with them rather than having panic attacks, dissociating and hearing voices.

I ate lettuce for the first time in my entire life!

I went to my first Halloween party.

I began to see the beauty in the world again and shared several moments in which I felt overwhelmingly thankful to be alive. 

I re-registered to complete my Master's degree which I had deferred for a year due to my illness.

I went to the cinema for the first time in years and saw the very crazy Nativity 3.

I went to Barcelona.

I fainted in Primark (I was coming down with the flu) and was saved by landing on a woman's UGG boot! 

My therapist had to leave :( 

Despite various set backs, I eventually returned to work just before Christmas and it made me feel as though every bit of effort I had put into my recovery had been worthwhile.

I had a relaxed Christmas at home with the family and felt more well in myself than I had done in previous years.

I think I will always remember 2014 as being both the best and worst year of my life.  When trying to think back to the state I was in towards the beginning of the year, it is very difficult to comprehend as I feel so different to the person I was.  I don't feel like a different person but rather a better, freer and more positive version of myself.  If you were to tell me earlier in the year that I would be sat here writing this blog post, I would have told you that you were crazy as I honestly didn't think I would be around to see the day and that is such a scary thought.  My life isn't perfect - who's is?  There are so many things I have to work on everyday but I am in so much more of a better place than I have been in a very long time.  

The difference is now that I feel as though I have something worth fighting for and that something can be summed up in one word - life.  

With life, there is hope, there is joy, there is possibility and there is a future.

My reason for sharing this with you - I want to send out a message that however hopeless things may seem, recovery from mental illness is possible.  

There is no place so low in life that you can't bring yourself back from.

What a year!

So that was my 2014, what was yours?

Love and strength to all those who have taken the time to read this and best wishes for 2015,

The One Day Seeker.