Medication Update & Tips for When Things Don't Quite Go to Plan

Last month, I wrote a post about reducing and withdrawing from mental health related medication.   At the time, with my doctor's approval, I had been reducing my dose of sertraline - the antidepressant I take.  Over a few months, I had gradually reduced my dose from 75 mg to 25 mg a day.  

When I wrote my last blog post on the subject, I had just been given the go ahead to reduce my dose further and withdraw completely.  I mentioned that I might give an update when I had come off the medication completely, in the hope that I could offer some additional helpful information having actually experienced withdrawal.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to able to provide the kind of update I intended as I am now not going to be coming off sertraline completely and instead am maintaining at the lower dose of 25 mg.  

As you may have guessed from the title, my plan to come off sertraline, in fact, did not go quite to plan!  

As I explained previously, I did experience some physical side effects when initially reducing my dose from 75 mg to 25 mg but they were manageable and did clear fairly quickly.  Most importantly,  there was no significant change in my mood or general wellbeing, if anything, there was some improvement.  However, when I started reducing my dose further, down to about 18 mg, things began to change.  The side effects I experienced became a lot more unpleasant and seemed to be taking a lot longer to shift.  I can't really explain it but I was just getting a feeling that things might not be working out.  At first, I thought I'd just stick with it, hoping that I might feel better once the physical side effects eased up.  

However, it all came to a head one night when I started feeling really agitated, I could see dark figures climbing up the walls, I was feeling very destructive and it was bordering on suicidal thoughts.  I had not experience anything like that in a really long time, not since I first went on the medication.  It just didn't feel like me and that made me really worried, the anxiety most probably escalating my symptoms.

Following this, I spoke to my psychologist about my concerns and came to conclusion that I should stop reducing my dose and maintain the last dose that I felt stable at, which was 25 mg.  At first, I was a bit disappointed as I think a part of me wanted to prove to myself that I could cope without the medication but it felt like the right decision.  I knew it was possible that the scary episode I had that night may not have been related my medication and rather could have been exacerbated by my anxieties but sometimes you just have to trust you instinct when you feel as though something is not right.

We decided that there is now no real desperate need for me to come off the medication.  

The original reason why I considered coming off was over concerns that my medication was causing me to have seizures.  Whether it was down to reducing the medication or other factors, the seizures seem to have completely stopped (yippeee!) so there was no longer a real need for me to come off the medication completely.  

I also realised that perhaps it was just not quite the right time to make a big adjustment like that in my life.

I have felt as though I've had quite a lot to get my head around over the past couple of months since I have become a lot more aware of my dissociative identity issues and as ever, once you become more aware of an issue, it seems to become more pronounced and I have had to try and make a lot of adjustments as a result, to make my life feel manageable.

I suppose coming off my medication started to feel like an extra bit of unnecessary pressure when it didn't really need to be a priority for the time being.

So that's my little personal update.

As I've said, I was a little disappointed at first with the change of plan but in the end, I've realised it turned out for the best.  I therefore wanted to share a couple of things I learnt that helped me to move on and not see this change of course as a personal failing or a negative.  I hope it might help others if you find yourself in a similar situation when plans regarding medication do not work out, or I think perhaps it might help anyone generally, when it feels as though things in life are not going to plan...

Focus on how far you've come, not on how far you have to go.

When we don't quite reach the goal we were aiming for, it is easy to lose sight of how much we have already achieved along the way.

I started to feel less of a sense of failure when I took time to focus and celebrate the fact that I had managed to successful reduce the amount of medication I was on by two thirds, which is quite a significant achievement, especially considering the state I was in before I started taking it!

Maintaining a lower dose has been far easier to manage on a daily basis.  I just have to take half a tablet every morning and then I don't have to worry for the rest of the day.  Whereas when I was on my highest dose, I had to take my medication at specific times, three times a day.  This meant I had to always remember to take my pill box out with me wherever I went and be mindful of the times I had to take it.  

Half a tablet in the morning is a welcomed relief by comparison!

So make sure you celebrate the positives that have already come about even if the journey is not yet complete.

It's just not the right time.  Not right now doesn't mean never.

In recovery, and perhaps life in general, timing seems to count for a lot.  When things haven't turned out quite how I've hoped, later on, I often come to realise that they didn't turn out that way for a reason, it wasn't the way it was meant to be and that's not always a bad thing, sometimes better things happen instead.

Since making the decision not to come off my medication completely, it has felt like a bit of pressure has been lifted.  I can focus on other aspects of my life for the time being and when I am feeling in a better position to consider trying to come off it again, I will feel more confident and prepared as I will know what to expect.

Just because it's not the right time for you to make the changes you originally planned, doesn't mean it's never going to happen, just not right now.

There's no rush.

Carry on doing the things that make you you.

I often find that when plans go up in the air a bit, it helps to hang onto things that stay the same and the things that make you feel like you.

Whenever you are going through a transition period, it can help to try to keep a routine that includes things that are good for you and activities that have a positive influence on you.

There is much more to all of us than something as material as the medication we take, it influences the way we are, often for the better, but it is not the entirety of who we are. 

 So it is important to hang onto the simple, unchanging things in life that make us who we are.

For me, I feel most like myself when I am out walking along the beach.  I take great comfort in the fact that no matter what might happen, the sea will always be the sea and it will be there to walk along no matter what kind of day I've had.

If it rewards me with breathtaking scenes like those below, then that's just an absolute bonus!

I hope this relatively short post has been useful in someway, especially if you are experiencing things not quite going to plan at the moment, whether that's relating to medication or otherwise.

I like to think that life throws us challenges because it's got better things in store for us, we just have to hold on and find the strength within ourselves to get us there.

Love and Strength,

The One Day Seeker