Depression: The Things You Might Not Know and Tips to Lift Yourself Out of a Black Hole

[Quick Side Note]

Before I get into the topic of this blog post, I'd just like to say a massive thank you for all your support regarding my previous post on DID.  I was well and truly overwhelmed!  Unbeknown to me for a short while, Time To Change featured my blog post on their Facebook page and that brought a number of readers to the page.  I was heartened and quite honestly astounded by the amount of people who responded with words of kindness, saying that they were fascinated, could relate and even that it helped them in some way, as that is my ultimate motivation behind writing this blog.  Thank you again for taking the time to read, I hope that you will continue to gain something from my future blog posts...

I can't quite believe that I've been writing this blog for nearly 2 years now and have yet to write specifically on the subject of depression.  It is the most common mental health problem after all, affecting 1 in 4 people, and I have a fair amount of experience with it.

The only reasons I can surface as to why I am yet to address this topic include that I have felt there is already quite a lot of information out there about depression already.  Depression represents a very dark part of my life that I feel I have moved on from and at times, would rather forget, if I could.  Also, I suppose I question whether I can actually offer any useful advice to others who are suffering from depression as, in my mind, it wasn't something I coped very well with.  I have since concluded that people may, if anything, be able to learn from my mistakes or my reflections, with hindsight, on what I may have done differently.

A few things you may not know about depression...

Depression is not just being sad.

I think this is a very common misconception.  It is important to remember that all mental health problems affect people differently.  For some, depression may involve a lot of sadness.  In my experience, it involved more a feeling of hopelessness, despair, agitation and failure.  Depression can also make people feel very irritable.  During the darkest depths of my depression, it had that affect on me and it felt very out of character.  You can't tell from just looking at someone if they are depressed.  Just because someone appears quite happy or upbeat at times, it doesn't mean that they are not suffering from depression.  On the outside, I think I probably appeared quite happy and positive even when I was suffering from severe depression as I was good at putting on a mask, something that a lot of people with depression do.

Depression can physically hurt.

I didn't think this was possible until I experienced it myself.  Mind and body are very much connected after all.  When I was suffering from depression, my whole body ached, I got foggy headaches and I felt physically weighted down, to the point where I felt as though I physically could not move at times.  I thought that something was seriously medically wrong with me but it became apparent that it was just a case of my body expressing what I was feeling inside.  It is of course important to get medical concerns checked out but you may find through the process of elimination that they have a psychological cause if you are suffering from depression.  This does not mean however that your suffering or pain is any less legitimate than if there was a medical cause, the pain is still very real and like a physical health problem, it can be treated but with a different approach. 

Depression can affect concentration levels. 

This came as a surprise to me but it turned out to be a very significant feature of my depression.  The only way that I have really been able to understand this is that depression almost slows down your thought processes, it can cause you to lack in energy and can also mean that your mind is distracted by a lot of negative and dark thoughts.  All these factors are likely to affect your concentration.  When I was in inpatient treatment following a mental health crisis, I came across other people who were suffering from depression and they found it to make them quite forgetful.  In my case, I was so agitated and distracted that I couldn't even watch a television program from beginning to end as I couldn't follow what was happening.  Where I used to be an avid reader, being able to divulge page after page, I found myself struggling to read a single page and unable to recall any of the details.  I found this both terrifying and heartbreaking.  It was for this reason that I decided to defer my studies, as well as the fact that I no longer felt able to keep myself safe travelling to and from university due to intense suicidal urges.

In short, depression is terrifying.  In fact, the whole experience of suffering from depression disturbed me so much that it caused a split in my personality, causing another dissociative identity to be formed which sort of holds my memories of depression.  You can back track to my previous blog post on DID if these ideas are confusing you.  I recognise that because of this,  my experience of depression is different to a lot of people's but I still feel I can share a few thoughts that may be helpful...

Lifting yourself out of the black hole that is depression...

Don't downplay your symptoms or wait to get help.

This is one in which you can definitely learn from my mistakes!  I can't really identify a point where my depression began, I most probably suffered from childhood depression to some extent.  However, I certainly know that I waited until my depression had reached quite severe levels before going to my GP and seeking help.  This was partly because I had developed a real fear of accessing health services linked to my previous experience under CAMHS but also I think I fell into the trap that a lot of people with depression seem to fall into.  This trap consisted of a thought process whereby I questioned - do I even have depression?  What have I really got to be depressed about?  I'm an awful, ungrateful person and I don't deserve help. I mess up everything, I let everyone down, if I try and get help, I'm just going to fail at that too and let more people down.  This kind of negative thinking is symptomatic of the illness, it is depression speaking, not you.  By the time I caved in and sought help, my depression was severely affecting my ability to function, work and socialise; I was having suicidal thoughts and was suffering from a number of complex mental health conditions alongside it.  Due to being passed around the system and a number of delays, by the time I actually received help some months later, I had deteriorated further and was deemed too high risk for the service I had been referred to.

You don't have to hit rock bottom to find a life worth living again.

I only began to recovery from depression after hitting an all time low.  Following a number of suicide attempts, believing I had lost the job that meant more to me than anything (I didn't lose it in the end!), narrowly escaping sectioning under the Mental Health Act and ending up on an acute psychiatric ward, only then did I start to see a glimmer of light again.  It was on that psychiatric ward from hell, terrified out of my mind, surrounding by patients who were so poorly the memories haunt me to this day, that I had an almost light bulb moment in which I realised I wanted to choose life again and that my choice would be my ticket out of that awful place.  I came to a sudden realisation that I was 22, I had a life to lead, a family, studying and a budding career to return to and never again did I want to reach a point so low in my life that I would end up in a place like that again.  I didn't wake up one day and stop being depressed, that certainly wasn't the end of my struggles but for the first time in a long time, I found a bit of determination to hang onto life.

What I would have done though to turn back the clock and not have to go through that experience.

Some people say that with any mental illness, or indeed addiction as well, you have to hit rock bottom before you start to get better.  I completely disagree.  I honestly don't believe that a person should have to suffer the ordeal of hitting rock bottom to find strength to recover, for one thing, you can lose to much on the way down.

Trust your instincts, if you think there might be something wrong, there most probably is.

Finally, after my long spiel, I reach my point.  If you think you may be suffering from depression or even just have a few doubts about whether you are emotionally feeling like your usual self, please visit your GP straightaway, don't put it off.  Be honest about exactly how you've been feeling.  Fight the voice of depression that might be telling you that it's not a big deal and that you're making a big fuss about nothing.  Everyday GPs see people who report symptoms of depression, they are very used to it and so don't feel uncomfortable or weak for talking about it.  It is a courageous step, a sign of strength and it may well come to mark the point where things started to improve for you.  Don't downplay what you are experiencing, being honest is your only chance at getting the support that you need.  You could always bring someone else with you to your appointment who might be able to offer another perspective on what's going on for you.

 Symptoms can escalate.  I for one know just how quickly suicidal thoughts can develop into suicidal ideation.  I'm not saying this to scare you.  I suppose I just know from experience just so important it is to have the support you need around you to get better.

Don't suffer in silence.

Support comes in all different forms, it doesn't just have to include professionals, the support of your friends and family can be invaluable to you.

I held back for a very long time from revealing my mental health difficulties to others.

I didn't want to worry them, didn't want to be a burden to them and I was scared that if people knew the full extent of my mental health problems, I would lose my job and it felt like my job was the only thing keeping me going.

I know this is a thought process that a lot of people with depression end up falling into but the truth is that hiding your problems only makes them worse.  Depression is so common, the chances are, the person you choose to open up to will either have experience of it themselves or will know someone who has.  Think about how you'd feel if one of your friends was suffering from depression - I'm sure even if you weren't completely sure on how to support them, you would at least want them to know you were there for them and would like to think that they'd feel comfortable in talking to you about it.

It can make all the difference to have someone on the other end of the phone or on the other end of a message during the hard times so don't shut people out, you wouldn't shut them out if they came to you.

The mornings and evenings are the hardest so prepare yourself.

One of my most upsetting memories of suffering from depression is that every morning I woke up and I wished I hadn't, my first thought every day was that I wanted to die and that was a very difficult place to lift myself out of and face the day.

If you know that you struggle with your depression more at certain times of day, then prepare for those times.

At one point, I stuck a list of reasons why I should live next to my bed so it was the first thing I saw in the morning.  You could always stick motivational quotes up, even if you're not in the mood for them, they may just give you the pick up you need at times.

If you struggle in the evenings, perhaps you could try to arrange to be around other people for as long as possible if that helps.  If not, perhaps you could make yourself an evening schedule or things to do, having a routine to follow can help.  Distraction can really help too.  Maybe you can have a box of things you can turn to during the difficult times full of things that will distract you.

I find colouring to be the best distraction!

Talking therapy can help.

Sometimes just having someone there who is outside your usual circle of people and there solely to listen to you without judgement, can be such a great help.

I'm not going to lie, it can be difficult to get counselling through the NHS but most GP surgeries can refer you to short term counselling services at the very least, I've even heard of some providing counselling over the phone.

When you have depression, you tend to find yourself trapped in a bit of a negative cycle of thinking which also impacts on how you feel and how you behave.  

CBT therapy is commonly used to treat depression and works on recognising how these cycles of thinking work and then breaking the cycle through various challenges.

Therapy is really hard work but very worthwhile.  If you really want to experience some improvement in your life, you really have to be committed, put the effort in and be willing to try things even if they feel scary sometimes.  It's not just about turning up once a week for an hour and expecting your life to change, you have to work on implementing the ideas you discuss in your daily life - that's the hard bit but it's that initiative that is crucial to your recovery.

Recovery might mean making same big changes...

It's important to think about what may have triggered your depression.

If you don't then it may mean that you may feel better for a while but then fall into depression again as the underlying problems still stand.

You sort of have to re-evaluate everything - your lifestyle, your job, your hobbies,  your relationships etc.

In my case, I realised I was simply doing way too much, I was burnt out, I was carrying around a lot of baggage from my past and it was affecting my life in the present, I was putting the needs of others before my own and gave far too much of myself trying to save toxic people who didn't want to save themselves and brought me down with them.

This lead me to making some of the biggest life changes I ever made.

Don't expect to feel the benefits straight away, change takes time to digest.

I really struggled with this.  I made all these huge changes and was disappointed to still feel just as painfully low.  Change takes time though, try to take credit purely for the fact that despite being in such a difficult place, you have tried to do something about it and that takes strength.

You may not receive the rewards straight away but see it as investing in your life and your future.

Medication can help too.

I've written more extensively about my views on using medication to treat mental health but in short, medication is definitely an option for treating depression.

Depression causes a chemical imbalance in your brain and antidepressants, increase your seratonin levels, addressing the imbalance.

Antidepressants certainly helped me.  I was so severely depressed that I found it very difficult to engage in any therapy or make active changes in my life as my cognitive function became so impaired and I was so preoccupied with taking my life.  

After years of resisting, I finally agreed to try an antidepressant.  It took a number of weeks for it to work but for the first time in a long time, my depression began to lift just enough so that I could think more clearly and begin to take active steps in my recovery.  In brief, medication helped to lift me out of a very dark place.

I would like to emphasise though that you can't expect a pill to solve all your problems.  It can just help you to enter a clearer mindset to be able to address the factors that have caused you to become depressed.  In my view,  medication should be taken alongside making lifestyle changes and/or talking therapy.

Be open to trying anything that may help you to get better.

With depression, I sometimes think you have to just go with the attitude - well, things can't get much worse than they are now, so I might as well just give it a try!

If you really want to get better, sometimes you have to push yourself to try things that might not make much sense to you or you might be afraid of, whether that's talking to your GP about your depression, starting counselling or taking medication.

Remind yourself of the reasons why you need to recover.

It is actually quite common to become afraid of getting better.  Depression may feel very familiar to you, your life might feel stuck but safe and manageable, you might be terrified of making yourself worse.

Whatever the reasons, it is important to remind yourself of your motivations to recover.

What has depression taken away from you? - your motivation? your energy? your job? your social life? has it affected the people you love?

Make a list and use it to motivate you to stick with recovery when you're having doubts.

Keep it up even though you might not be enjoying it right now.
This may sound a little bit senseless - why should you do something you don't enjoy?
Depression can cause a lot of people to find that they no longer get enjoyment out of the things they used to enjoy.  I experienced this and I found it so disheartening.  In sport and hobbies, I felt as though I was just going through the motions and getting nothing out of them.  I used to think - these were the things I used to enjoy and would help me to feel better when I got down, if they can't make me feel better now then what can?  Because of this, depression can cause you to become quite isolated and your life can start to feel very small and limited.  As you no longer enjoy these activities, you may withdraw from them all together, thinking that there is no point in keeping them up.
Pursuing hobbies and interests can provide you with routine and can also bring you into contact with other people and it is important not to lose these things to depression, they will be important to your recovery.
My advice would be to keep up all the things you enjoyed before your depression to some extent, even if it feels too difficult to do as much of it, just keep up some.  At least then, it will always be there to go back to when you are feeling better in yourself.
You can tell yourself - I may not be enjoying this right now like I used to but I'm sure I will enjoy it again and at least all the time I'm doing this, I'm more distracted from negative thoughts and behaviours.
You will find enjoyment in life again x

Plenty of sunshine.



It might sound like wishful thinking but I honestly believe a bit of sunshine can do you the world of good.
Sunlight increases your seratonin levels so see it as medicine for your illness.
Even if you don't manage to do anything much, make sure the one thing you do is go outside and soak up some rays, even if it's just a walk round the block or sitting in the garden, it may make all the difference.

No matter how little you do, it's an achievement.
Depression can make you so demotivated and lacking in energy that it can feel very difficult to do anything and days can dwindle by without you feeling as though you've achieved very much, not nearly as much as you could achieve before.
The key is to aim small at first.  List just one thing you want to achieve that day, even if it's just to get dressed, write it down and tick it off when you achieve it.  Slowly those little achievements can be built up.
I intend to write a much more detailed post about suicidal thoughts but if this is something you are experiencing then every day you are alive can be seen as an achievement.  Perhaps this puts life at a harsh perspective but just simply living and being here is your strongest weapon against depression.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts then please speak to someone, anyone - it could be a professional,  a helpline, a family member, a close friend or just someone.  My strongest piece of advice would be to just reach out for help even if you don't want to or it doesn't make any sense to you right now, just do it!
Remember every day you are still here is another day where you haven't let depression win.
Life gives you opportunity, opportunity for your situation to change, even if it feels like it never will.

Seek out any bit of positivity you can find even if it's hard to see or appreciate right now.
When you're depressed, the world can seem a very dark place and negative place.
You can almost feel cut off from everything going around you or it's as though everything you see has had the life sucked out of it.
You have to try and remind yourself that you are still a part of it and a crucial one at that.
You could do this by taking time to write down just one thing that you saw or happened each day that was positive, or rather, wasn't entirely negative.  This could be something as simple as the weather, the bus being on time for once, or a feather fluttering down in front of you.
These are all achievements - you were there and you noticed them.
You could even take photos of anything you see as being remotely positive.
I did the 100 Day of Happiness project once - you have to upload one photo each day for one hundred days that represents a moment of happiness.  Unfortunately, I tended to find that I was creating artificial 'happy moments' that weren't really significant to me just to help others and so as to not let them down when they were expecting to see a photo.  I therefore recommend that if you take on a project like this,  make sure you are doing it for yourself, you don't have to upload or show other people your photos if you don't want to, keep them just for you.  You can also alter the project to suit you, 'happy moments' might seem a bit unattainable at the moment, if so perhaps a 'positive photos project' might suit you better or even just simply taking a photo everyday regardless of the concept behind it - that's an achievement in itself.

I hope this is helpful in someway.
If you are currently suffering from depression or know someone who is, then my heart really goes out to you.  Depression can be so frightening, debilitating and can make you feel so incredibly trapped in a dark place.  However, as desperate and hopeless as life can seem when in its midst, recovery from depression is attainable.
You will find the light and you will come to enjoy life again.
I know to someone suffering from depression, what I've just said may sound cliche and idealistic but from experience, I know that it can be made a reality.
It scares me when I think about just how close I came to losing my life to depression, I honestly thought that it would beat me before I beat it.  Bearing this in mind, I can't tell you just how satisfying it has felt to write about my depression in the past tense in this blog post - depression is no longer a part of my life and at one point I never thought I'd be able to say this.
One day, I am sure you too will be able to experience that simple joy over using the past tense.
With hindsight now, I can see that during that dark period in my life, I was not a bad person, I was just very unwell.  Depression is an illness and it is not to be ashamed of.  I am certainly no longer ashamed.  My experiences of depression have shaped who I am today and if anything it has made me value life even more than I ever did before.
You can find a life worth living even when you feel all hope of it has been lost ~x~



Love and Strength,
The One Day Seeker