2015 - This was My Year...

I made one of these posts last year, which can be found here.

I was in two minds as to whether to do one this year.  The main reason being that this blog isn't strongly focused on the details of my life (especially as it is anonymous) but rather I share some of my own experiences with a view to helping others.  Nonetheless, I suppose I concluded that by simply listing some of the things that have happened in my life this year, other people could take from it what they will or may be able to find bits they can relate to.

I also thought it might inspire you to reflect upon what has happened during your year.

I often think that reflecting is something that most of us don't tend to do enough of.

And so, here it is!

This was my 2015...

So I started the year having just returned to my job as a teaching assistant, after having to take 7 months off due to a mental health crisis.

While it meant the world to me to be back, finding my feet again wasn't as easy as I wanted it to be.

I met my new psychologist and started the processing phase of my trauma therapy.

I have learnt so much from her and realise that I am so lucky to finally be receiving the care I need after a number of  years of being thrown around the system!

I decided to undertake EMDR therapy, something I never thought I'd try ever again due to a bad experience in the past but  in the end, I was so glad I did.

I struggled a lot with fatigue while slowly trying to increase my hours at work after having so long off.  I also had to get used to managing some of the symptoms of my mental health in a different environment.  I realised that some of my eating disorder symptoms had drifted back in at work, which certainly wasn't helping my energy levels.  I got very annoyed with myself for allowing this to happen but then began to address the issue and things started to improve.

I attended some NHS future planning meetings where I shared some of my experiences of the mental health services with a view to improving things.  I was pleasantly surprised by the amount I was able to speak and I got a lot out of attending.

My medication was increased.

I went to the theatre 3 times and the cinema 3 times - probably more than throughout my entire life as this was previously a huge source of anxiety for me!

I went on various adventures to London, some with friends and family, many on my own - another thing that I never imagined I'd be able to do at one point!

I met my new care coordinator who completely terrified me but got given another one who I felt more comfortable with - result! :)

What felt like out of nowhere, I had a seizure for the first time and it was as though my life changed overnight...

I wasn't allowed to drive anymore.

I felt out of control of my body and lost a lot of confidence.

 I was worried that it would happen again.

I was worried that there might be something seriously medically wrong with me.

As it happened at work, I was worried I would end up losing my job (didn't happen of course!)

I was referred to a neurologist.

However, needless to say, I picked myself up again and did my best not to let this one thing hold me back when so many things were going well.

I found out my stepsister was pregnant and while I was over the moon for her, I found the news quite difficult to deal with emotionally for various reasons.

I got in a complete panic about work, worrying that I was going to lose my job when I couldn't build up my hours to what I was doing before.

It triggered a lot of rejection/abandonment issues but...

I got support from an employment specialist and occupational health and we came to an agreement that I was able to manage.

I went on a solo trip to Edinburgh, exploring the sights and walking for miles.

It had such a positive impact on me.

I went back to a place that was once a part of one of my suicide plans and it made me realise that my overall mindset had changed so much in just a year and definitely for the better.

After doing a lot of hard work in therapy to try and prevent my dissociative symptoms getting in the way of EMDR, I started to make progress.

For the first time ever, I began to feel as though I could take some control over my traumatic memories rather than them controlling me and that felt so empowering.

It also meant though that I was faced with the horrors of what actually happened to me, when I've spent most of my life avoiding thinking about it.  So it was tough to say the least but I got through it, I accepted the truth in whatever way I could at the time. I fully processed the first two of my traumatic memories and I was absolutely astounded by the contrast between how I looked upon the events at the start of the process and how I looked upon them at the end.

I moved house with my mum and stepdad to be nearer to the sea and it also meant I was a lot closer to work, cutting down my travelling time.

Although the process of moving was stressful and it meant having to get used to managing my difficulties in a new place (more complicated than it sounds), I love living by the sea so much, the novelty of being able to escape to the beach when things are feeling overwhelming or stressful definitely hasn't worn off.

I saw a neurologist about my seizure - as nothing had happened since I think we both hoped it was just a one off but just to be sure, he referred me for an MRI and an EEG 

(all new and scary experiences!)

I started processing my third traumatic memory in therapy.

This was the one that I was fearing the most and it certainly lived up to expectation - it stirred up a lot of very troubling feelings.

I felt like I was beginning to cope better emotionally at work and was feeling more settled.

My job helps me to recognise good qualities in myself and I'm surrounded by interesting young people who make me smile and laugh no matter what's going on for me inside.

I can also have endless conversations about disney films - an even bigger bonus!

I got my rabbits spayed! (TMI?)

Felt awful that they had to lose their 'lady parts' but they were much better off for it.

I had some more seizures and with it had to let go of any idea of it just being a 'one off' problem.

I suppose I felt quite sorry for myself - I guess a part of me wanted to just be an average, healthy 23 year old without this extra baggage that was there for others to see and deal with.

As ever, I picked myself up again.

I saw the seizures as a challenge - something that I accepted as being temporarily a part of my life but also as something that could be overcome.

I got a wonderful new bike that I named Blue Bird and started whizzing round on it everywhere.

I sold my car, which felt heartbreaking at the time but the right decision because I was not allowed to drive it until I was seizure free for over a year.

I actually felt better not to have to see it sat there on the drive but I do miss the freedom and independence driving gave me.

When I was in the middle of processing my third traumatic memory in therapy, I found out that my psychologist had to unexpectedly go on leave for at least a month.

It wasn't ideal but it couldn't be helped and initially I accepted it quite well.

I had yet another seizure at work and was taken to hospital (yet again).

I had a bad experience with the ambulance staff and I came round from my seizure feeling extremely low and experiencing suicidal thoughts.

I hadn't been in that state of mind for over a year and was so scared that I had drifted back into everything that I had worked so hard to get out of.

I suppose in those moments, all I could do was think about the seizures, I couldn't control them and so much of my life was being affected by them.

However, I was assessed by the psych team at the hospital and just by having a conversation, I was able to see the bigger picture, realised that there was so much more to my life than just seizures and I wasn't going to throw it all away.

So I was cleared to go home - the whole episode was a bit of a shock but I moved on from it and focused on the things that were going well in my life.

I spent a number of months making a claim for Personal Independence Payment (was in two minds whether to include this or not).  Due to my mental health and potential neurological issues, I was not able to work full time, as I would have liked to.  I was advised by numerous professionals to go down this route of making a claim as I needed, and they felt I would be entitled to, some financial support.  So I filled in endless forms, sent in a whole stack of medical evidence and went to an assessment.  I found the whole process very difficult as I have always been very independent, want to make my own way in life and it meant admitting my limitations and how my difficulties affect me in my daily life, where as I usually like to focus on what I can do and not let it hold me back.

The whole way through the process, I was given reassurance that my claim would be accepted in view of the amount of evidence I was able to provide but when the final letter came through, it turned out my claim was rejected.  I was gutted; not really about the financial blow at all but more it was my pride that was hurt.  I had honestly stated how my health affects my life, that honesty felt difficult for me and then I received a response that basically consisted of saying - we agree you meet the criteria of having a disability, we agree you have difficulties in these areas but 'you can actually do it'.

I decided though that I would find it too humiliating to appeal the decision 

So I left it there with my head held high, I scraped by this year and if anything, it made me all the more determined to work on overcoming every obstacle I listed on those forms!

After a month passed without having therapy, I was told that my psychologist would have to continue her leave for another two months.

I found this news much more difficult to accept than when I was originally told that she was going on leave.  I felt as though a month - I could deal with, three months - overwhelming, as I was starting to struggle and had experienced a lot of setbacks.

However, after getting hugely upset and worrying about whether I was going to be able to cope, I pulled myself together and realised that I was just going to have to accept the news in whatever way I could as there was nothing I could do to change the situation, I hung onto every coping strategy I could access and suffice to say, I did get through that time.

I went on holidays in the summer to the Isle of Wight with my family - we had some really lovely days out, as well as some miserable ones in which we were well and truly rained in.

The change in routine caused me to turn to some eating disorder behaviours but I was aware of it and got on top of it as soon as I got home.

We thought our family cat, who we've had for over 14 years, was a goner!

After years of suffering with stiffness, all of a sudden one day, the poor old thing couldn't move his back legs, was crying and pulling himself around with his fronts.  We thought he was paralysed but we took him to the vets and it turned out his arthritis had just flared up, he went home with some painkillers and a new diet.

The dinosaur lives on at the grand age of 16!

He drives us mad but we wouldn't be without him, after thinking we were going to have to say goodbye to him, it is lovely to have him ambling around for a little while longer.

I received the results from my MRI and EEG - to my surprise both were clear.

On the basis of this, I was diagnosed with dissociative attack disorder but I wasn't convinced of the diagnosis as I felt it was based more on my mental health history than medical evidence.

So I went back to my GP and she agreed that I needed further investigation.

I was referred to an epilepsy specialist to see whether they thought I warranted further investigation.

My gorgeous baby niece was born the day after my birthday and from the moment I saw her, 

I was mad about her!

I spent most of the year, finishing off my masters degree, after having had to defer a year of my studies due to mental illness.

I had a bit of a panic when it got near to the submission date for my dissertation - my perfectionist streak kicked in and I started to worry that I wouldn't cope if I didn't achieve as well as I hoped.

I convinced myself in the end that just being in a strong enough place to be able to return to my studies and the enjoyment I got from my subject was far more important than any grade I received.

I later found out that I had nothing to worry about at all as I got a Distinction and I'm looking forward to my graduation at the beginning of next year.

Most importantly, completing my masters degree made me all the more certain that I'd like to continue research in my subject area and undertake a PhD in a year or two's time when I'm further along in my recovery.

This led me onto make other plans as well - I decided that when I start my PhD, I'd like to move out and in the meantime I could read and study at leisure while also beginning to look at possible PhD courses and funding options.

For the first time in a very long time I was able to actually think positively about my future and have a plan without feeling completely overwhelmed.

Sometimes just having a plan is exciting in itself.

When I returned to work after the summer, I found out that one of my colleagues who I was close to was leaving.  I really don't cope well at all with the idea of people leaving due to my issues with abandonment and it made me very unsettled for a while.  However, I was honest with myself and others about it and I managed to settle down my worries.

In a way, I saw it as an opportunity to learn how to deal with change and people leaving in a healthier manner.

My stepdad had a heart operation.

We were all quite anxious in the lead up to it as he had had the operation twice before, both times it was unsuccessful and the previous time, he had serious complications.

This time though it was a soaring success, it gave him a new lease of life and we couldn't be happier.

My therapy restarted and I think I found it quite difficult to get back into the swing of it after the three month break as during that time a lot of things had become pent up inside of me and I was a bit out of practice with expressing and speaking about it.

It really benefited me though to get back into the routine of regular therapy sessions and soon it felt like things were almost back to normal.

I was finding it difficult to go back to the processing phase of therapy though, I think partly because the break had unsettled me but mainly because I had a lot going on in my current life, lots of other concerns and worries linked to the seizures and so I wasn't in such a stable position to be able to cope with processing.

I therefore had to slow down, stop processing for a while and focus on building up some coping skills to deal with my life in the present.

It had also become apparent that I was experiencing a lot of dissociative identity issues and a lot of my therapy has since focused on managing that.  At first, being told that I was on the border of suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder was quite a lot to get my head around.  

It made me feel abnormal and it felt quite overwhelming to have another mental health problem to address when I've had quite my fair share of diagnoses already.

I suppose, with time, I almost began to embrace it.  

It wasn't an issue that arose overnight, it had been there for a very long time, it's just I had reached a point where I was far clearer upon what the problem was and with that clarity I realised that there were things I could do or learn to do that would help me to feel more integrated.  

All in all, I became far more accepting of myself.

I had an amazing day out in London with a friend but had a very bizarre experience in the Oxford Street Lush where a sales assistant insisted upon washing my hand - not an experience I'd like to repeat!

I faced a difficult situation at work in which I felt threatened and intimidated.  

It felt unfair and made me feel very uncomfortable and anxious when at work for quite a while.

I tried my best to rise above it and for the first time, maybe ever, I took steps to make clear that I would not stand for being treated in the way that I had.

As ever, with time, things blew over and I started to feel more comfortable and hit my stride again.

If anything the incident helped me to build more confidence in my own abilities and trust my own judgments on what I'm capable of.

So people tell me - I've become a bit more 'chatty' this year.

I definitely feel much more confident speaking in social situations than I have done before so there's definitely been some improvement on that front.

For the first time in years, I started having a pudding with my meal when I went out - previously a huge eating disorder related anxiety.

There was definitely a period during the year in which I started to become very stressed out.

My seizures were becoming more and more frequent, I was still waiting on my referral to the epilepsy specialist and it felt like there was no sign of a resolution.

In short, I was getting pretty desperate.

In my desperation, I decided to go to my GP to see if there was anything that could be done to speed up the process.  I saw a different GP to normal and he made a suggestion that the medication I was on for my mental health could have been lowering my seizure threshold.  I had previously been told by doctor after doctor that this was not possible but I only started having seizures when my medication was increased so I had always thought there might be something in it.

I was so happy after months of my life being turned upside down by seizures just to feel as though I had some sort of lead.  

It gave me hope.

My psychiatrist agreed that I could gradually start reducing my medication to see if it made a difference to the frequency of my seizures.  

It felt like quite a big decision as before I was put on the medication I was severely depressed and suicidal and I was absolutely terrified of going back to that dark place.

I had to trust that I was in different enough place mentally to where I was back then and that I had built more coping skills that would help me manage my condition without the medication.

It was a bit of a gamble but the gamble paid off.

As soon as I started reducing the medication, my seizures decreased in frequency and (touch wood) I feel like I'm getting a bit of my life back and my health back too.

My mood and anxiety levels have not changed significantly at all since reducing the medication so it would appear I can cope without it and I'm quite proud that I've been able to do that.

During this period, I realised that I had been putting far too much pressure on myself and it was detrimental to my recovery.

A lot of the time that I used to always put by and use as 'me time' where I could just be and mull thoughts over, had become filled with stress - chasing neurology referrals etc.

I realised that this excess stressing was doing me more harm than good so I made the decision that I was going to take steps to take the pressure off.

It was probably the best decision I made all year.

I started using rail replacement bus services!

Probably sounds hugely insignificant but buses have previously been a major source of anxiety for me.

I finally heard from the epilepsy specialist, who agreed that I required further investigation.

I had a 48 hour portable EEG, which was the most awkward thing to wear and meant I had to go out and about looking a bit unusual for a couple of days.  

I didn't care in the slightest though as I felt lucky just to be given the opportunity of wearing it and I had a seizure on it which was the best possible outcome.

If you follow my Instagram then you will know that I do a lot of walking.  

I couldn't even count the amount of walks I've been on this year, all I know is, walking has such a positive effect on me.

It gives me the space to work through things in my head and gain some perspective.  

I love taking photos when I'm on walks so that I can look back on them in hard times. 

One thing's for sure, there are going to be plenty more healing, blustery walks for me in 2016.

I think sometimes this year I've been so absorbed in dealing with the here and now, I often overlooked how far I'd come.

There are some triggers that used to trigger a major response in me that now have very little effect as I've learnt to managed them better time and time again.  For example, the other week, I managed to carry home a bottle of wine that I had been given as a present, unwrapped it and gave it to my parents (I can't and would never drink myself).  This is something I have never been able to do before as I am so phobic of alcohol due to past traumas.  For most of my life, I never even thought it would be possible for me to touch a bottle of wine, let alone think about giving it to someone else.

It's little things like that which make me realise that I have improved, I'm still improving and the world doesn't seem as scary a place anymore when I experience those small but significant achievements.

We've had countless workmen in our house ever since we moved in, which is something I find hugely triggering.  

It certainly hasn't been easy but I've got through it, I managed.

I started feeling generally more emotional and it didn't feel all bad.

For me, this is a huge step forward as I have previously been very shut off from my emotions as I fear that something bad might happen to me if I was to express them.

It's an ongoing process but I'm starting to feel okay with feeling emotional and have even started to recognise that it is a positive thing and not a negative.

In the latter months of the year, I think I definitely began to feel more settled and positive.

A lot of this was down to the work I've been doing in therapy to accept, listen to and bring together the different parts of my identity.

It's very hard to put this into words but by reaching a greater acceptance of myself, I felt more comfortable in doing the things I do in my daily life.

One of the main things I think it helped me with was being able to cope better emotionally and independently at work.

I still have my bad days, everybody does but I think I tend to bounce back a lot more quickly 

these days :)

What felt like one of my biggest challenges this year greeted me just a couple of weeks ago.

The results of my 48 hour EEG came through and no abnormalities or evidence of epilepsy were found.

It therefore transpired that my seizures are dissociative seizures and caused by psychological factors.

I had tried to keep myself open to all possible outcomes but this wasn't the one I had been expecting, I honestly thought I had epilepsy.

I accepted that it was true that my seizures were dissociative but I found it very difficult to accept at first.

It was very difficult to understand how something psychological could cause me to react in such an extreme manner, especially when I felt as though I had been managing so much better.

I suppose I had to come to terms with the fact that my past affects me today in more ways than I'd like to acknowledge and that reality felt frightening.  The abuse that I had been through had never felt so real and present to me as it did then.

I was worrying a lot about what other people would think of me.

So many people had been asking me whether I had received my results and I felt I owed them a truthful explanation as many of them had been involved in helping and caring for me when I had seizures.  

I was worried that they would think I was an attention seeking fake.

As usual, I was wrong.  So far everyone I've told has been really understanding.  Whether my seizures are epileptic or not, they are a real problem and involuntary - I can't control them.  

Most importantly though it's a problem that can be overcome.

I want to write a whole blog post about my experience of non-epileptic seizures but in brief, what I've learnt from my experience is that mental health problems like these that are complex are difficult for anyone to understand but there are plenty of people who will take the time to try to understand.

After having a complete meltdown about the whole thing, I can now see that just knowing the true cause of my seizures could really change the way deal with them.

I suppose now I can list this whole saga as a challenge that I have embraced and taken in my stride this year.

I realise I am very lucky to have my health and I have every confidence that the seizure situation will continue to improve going into 2016.

So it's now the end of 2015.

I've survived Christmas, 

which is not an easy time for me (I know I'm not the only one)

 as it has associations with past abuse.

It certainly wasn't easy this year, not helped by the fact that on Christmas Day, I received a horrendous, nasty letter from a family member that was disguised as a Christmas card!

The words hurt me a lot but I didn't let them drag me down as I have more confidence in my own decisions now and I know that for every one person who tries to bring me down, there are plenty who surround me with love, care and who accept and value me for who I am.

Nonetheless, I am a little bit relieved that Christmas is over, I've been out walking, as ever, and writing this, I am actually feeling quite excited about my life and where it might be heading.

If you have actually made your way through all that I applaud you!

If I want to get anything across by listing all these trials and tribulations from my life, it would be that if you are suffering from mental illness, you can find a life worth living.

Things are never as straightforward as you would like them to be but if you see every problem as a challenge then it can be overcome and you might learn more about yourself in the process.

A couple of years ago, I wouldn't have believed I could have done half the things I put on that list.

Recovery never quite shapes out the way you think it will but it always shapes out for the best.

All that leaves me to say is:

Happy New Year!

I wish you all a positive and healthy 2016 filled with love and kindness.

Love and Strength,

The One Day Seeker