Surviving Mental Health Related Sickness Leave

This may seem like a very unusual topic to write about.  However, last year, when for the first time ever, I found myself stuck at home unable to work,  I felt completely lost.  When you are at work, you always know what you should be doing (well most of the time I hope!) but it suddenly occurred to me that nobody tells you what to do when you're not working - it's almost like an alien existence.

I had worked from the day of my 16th birthday and from then on had never been out of employment.  You could say I had become obsessed about work.  It didn't matter what problems I faced in my life, how ill I was, how little sleep I had, I was always guaranteed to be at work on time, every single day.  Work was my distraction, my escape, my excuse to completely dedicate myself to looking after others so that I didn't have time to face the mental health problems I was suffering from.  I even came into work on the day I ended up in a crisis and was admitted into inpatient treatment.  

Of course, none of this was at all healthy and I paid the price.

Suddenly I found myself in very unfamiliar territory.  I came out of hospital and at first it felt as though my world had come to a stand still.  I was signed off from work, was facing quite a heavy assessment process from occupational health if I was to return and wouldn't have been able to work no matter how much I wanted to.  I had no escape anymore, I had to face myself and that was terrifying.  What I would have done to jump in the car and speed off to work but when I arrived, I would have only been facing the same problems again.

Work had become such a huge part of my life as everything else had seemed to have disintegrated.  Without it, I felt as though I had no purpose, no structure, no direction.  It didn't happen right away but eventually I accepted that going back to work just wasn't an option at the time and pining after something that I couldn't have wasn't going to solve the problems that had landed me in that position.  I realised that my world hadn't stood still.  Instead, I had entered a transition period in my life that would change me for the better and it did.

I am now back at work after seven long but memorable months.  However, I wanted to share some of the things that helped me to use my sick leave as an opportunity to recover rather than an excuse to dwell in my misery.  I hope that it may act as a guide for others who may find themselves in a similar position.  I think the tips I share are not only relevant to mental health related sickness leave but to anyone who finds themselves at a point in their lives where they lack structure, direction or routine.

You are going back to work but not right now...

So cut yourself off from work and focus on the here and now.

It can be easy to slip into a feeling of hopelessness.  When I felt very overwhelmed by all my problems, at times it felt as though I was never going to be in a well enough state to be able to return to work.  I had to remind myself that I would get back to work eventually and that returning to work could act as motivation to get better.  Perhaps it was a bit of an excuse to go shopping but it did help me to buy a new bag that I planned to use when I returned to work.

While it is important to remind yourself that you are going to return to work, it should not be such a focus that you find yourself thinking about nothing else.  Spending all your time hankering after being at work is not going to get you there any quicker.  It took some firm but fair words from a good friend to get me to realise this but I'm so glad she did because that marked the start of me focusing whole heartedly on my recovery.  I therefore decided to pack away my new bag until I needed it.  Similarly, cut yourself off from every reminder of being at work.  I made the decision to remove my work email account from my mobile phone, just so my sad little heart didn't jump every time my phone bleeped and reminded me of what I was missing.  I kept in contact with some of my work colleagues because they had become really good friends of mine.  However, in the end I asked them to limit the amount they told me about what was going on at work. 

There are plenty of better things to talk about to be honest!

Do what your mind and body are telling you they need to do.

Learn to trust yourself again.

I think it's safe to say that I had no idea what rest was until I was forced to do it.  When you get ill or run down, sometimes you have to put yourself first and do what you need to do to repair and recover.  If you find yourself in a crisis, you feel as though you are completely incapable of running your life.  When you start to come out of it, you are faced with the scary decisions that determine where your life will head next.  You have to start listening to yourself again and working out what you need.  You have to learn to trust yourself again and it's tough but it gets easier each time you build a little more.  So listen to yourself, sleep when you need to sleep, eat when your body tells you it's hungry (I'm definitely not there with that one but I'm trying) and go out when you feel you are ready to face the world.

Use your sick leave as an opportunity to build a life for yourself outside of work.

I realised that in order to get myself to a place where I was well enough to return to work, I had to be happy with aspects of my life outside of my work, otherwise I would end up going down to same dark path again.  Only when I was stable and vaguely content outside of work could I begin to think about introducing work into the equation again.

Read a whole book!

My life before my sick leave consisted of rushing around from A to B and then falling into a heap from exhaustion!  I have always loved reading, had plenty of books, I wanted to read but never had the time.  At one stage, I couldn't read even if I wanted to because my concentration had become so poor.  During this transition period in my life, I rediscovered the simple pleasure of reading books from beginning to end.  Above are some of the books I read during that period.  When you become overwhelmed by your mental health problems, your life can quickly become very small.  Books are like a window to the world, they help you to see the bigger picture and with that, your life starts to become bigger again too.

Go to places you want to go.

    

This may sound quite sad but in the past I would only visit places if there was a purpose behind my visit.  I would never go simply because I wanted to or for my own enjoyment.  Well that changed and getting out and about to the places that are important to me has been so crucial to my recovery.  I visited places that I hadn't been to in years, tracked back over old walking routes and discovered some new ones along the way.  If you're not at work, make the most of going out and enjoying yourself when everyone else is!  You can miss the rush hour traffic, be able to shop and get to all the things you want to without other people getting in the way, go out when the weather's nice, stay out for as long or as little time as you want to without having anything to rush back for.  

Being off work certainly does have its benefits!

Don't feel guilty.

This links back to the last one.  I struggled with this a lot but don't feel guilty for going out to places and having a good time when you are on sick leave.  Acting like a person who is physically ill or house bound is not going to help you to recover.  Illness comes in many forms, often you can't avoid it and when it hits you, you have to use whatever means you can to get better.  If you are someone who has always been very dedicated to your work, it can be difficult to stop yourself from feeling guilty for not working.  You have to tell yourself that it's okay, it's okay to be off work.  You're not weak, incapable, lazy or selfish, you're ill and you need a break.  Everyone needs a break at one point or another in their life.  The way I tried to look at it was that I had a jam packed life before I was on sick leave.  I was on the go for every single hour of the day and a lot of that time was spent doing things for others.  In a way, my seven months off made up for all the time in which I didn't take breaks and didn't focus on myself where most people would have done.

Don't isolate yourself.

Meet up with people you wouldn't normally have the chance to meet up with.

    

Being stuck at home while the rest of the world seems to be going places can feel lonely.  It was only when such opportunities were taken away from me that I realised just how many people I used to see on a day to day basis.  As I worked in a school, I would see hundreds of students every single day and funnily enough, the thing I missed most was walking through the corridors and hearing 'Morning Miss' again and again.  I am a very shy person and quite often I tend to give the impression that I don't need other people but when all that was taken away, I realised just how much those little daily interactions meant to me.  It can be easy to become isolated when you are suffering from mental health problems, especially if you struggle to get out or socialise.  The good thing though about life today is that even if you can't go out and meet people, there are so many other ways of reaching out.  Sometimes it's just a matter of pushing yourself to make the first move.  I valued the emails, text messages, social media messages I received during my absence so much.  When you start to feel well enough to go out, see your sick leave as an opportunity to meet up with people who you wouldn't normally be able to see as much as you want to.  All the time I was at work, there were certain friends that I did not see as much as I would have liked to as I was never free during the daytime.  It's amazing just how much quiet little coffee meetings can make your life feel fuller and more structured again.  Especially if they involve hot chocolates and marshmallows!

Invest time in your recovery.

This is probably the most valuable and essential thing you can do.  So suddenly you've got all this time on your hands?  Use it as an opportunity to invest in yourself and your recovery without the distractions and pressures that usually come from working.  Make those health related appointments you've been meaning to make.  If you have to take medication, get on top of your schedule and order your prescriptions on time.  I have found having a seven day pill box really useful.  It makes medication feel more appealing now that I've decorated it!  Make the most of what help and support you have around you.  At the same time, don't underestimate your ability to take charge and ownership over the direction of your recovery.  There are so many self help books out there and no end of self help resources online.  The most helpful trauma recovery related book I found was The Compassionate Mind Approach to Recovering from Trauma by Deborah Lee.  Sometimes it can help just to know that there are other people out there suffering from similar problems to you.  It lets you know that you're not alone.  Unfortunately, it can sometimes take a long time to receive the help you need, especially if you are referred through the NHS.  Despite being in a very dangerous and unstable place at the time, it was months before I actually started receiving therapy.  Just because you aren't receiving all the help you need though, that's no reason to think that your recovery stands still.  All the time you are working on your recovery, you are in recovery.  Think of it as an opportunity to get yourself into the best possible state so that you will benefit from the help when you actually come to receive it.

Don't lose your sense of purpose.

Have a diary to keep some structure.

While it's important not to schedule in activities for every hour of your day (something I was guilty of doing in the past), it does help to have a bit of a plan.  I usually wrote down a maximum of three things I might like to do during the day.  If I didn't do all of those things, I tried not to beat myself up for it.  Sometimes I gave myself options so that if I didn't feel like doing one thing, I'd have something else to do.  Keeping a diary can also help you feel as though you have things to look forward to.

Turn your hand to something creative.

Start a project.

When you're not working, it can be really easy to lose your sense of purpose.  This was definitely something that I struggled with.  I almost felt as though work gave me a sense of identity - I was Miss - I was a somebody, I meant something to people.  You can find purpose in other things though.  I think that all the time you are doing something, especially if it is creative or constructive, you are contributing in some way and in that you find purpose.  So start a new project, start something that will later mark a new chapter in your life.  For me, my new project was this blog but I also spent a lot of time doing art, photography, knitting, origami, making gifts and cards for friends, baking and writing in my journal.  

Set goals which will help you to become well enough to return to work.

  

 

    Rather than thinking about work, think about how you are going to get yourself well enough to be able to work again.  It can help to set goals.  For me...

- I knew that if I was to return to work, I would need to feel more comfortable eating in front of other people, eat a slightly wider variety of food and be able to tolerate the sight and smell of the foods I am phobic of.  So I set myself goals to try new food for the first time, go for meals with friends and sit with my family when they ate some of my fear foods.

- I also knew I would have to be able to manage my anxiety better in a busy environment.  So I pushed myself to go to places when they were busy and manage my anxiety when in crowded areas.

- I would have to be able to manage triggers and flashbacks better so I pushed myself to go to situations where I knew there would be strong triggers - fireworks for example.

At first my sick leave felt like utter torture but by taking more of a positive and proactive attitude towards it, it soon became the most influential time in my life and a time that shaped me for the better.  If you have found yourself facing sick leave or some 'time out' for whatever reason, I hope you have found my tips helpful and please know that you will get to where you want to be.  

I honestly believe that if you want something enough, you'll make it happen.

Love and Strength,

The One Day Seeker