What it is like to Suffer from PTSD
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| Reminiscing what lies behind closed doors. |
If anyone has heard of post traumatic stress disorder, the first image that will usually come to their minds will be one of shell-shocked soldiers because it was with reference to the war veterans that the term first started to be used. I suffer from PTSD and I hate to disappoint you but I haven't fought in any wars as such, not only because I'd never be courageous enough to do something like that but also because I am terrified of guns! The truth is people can develop PTSD in response to a number of different traumatic experiences. If I am to summarise what it is like to suffer from PTSD, I would say that it is as though you want more than anything to move on with your life but you don't know how to because everyday you live with reminders that keep you trapped in something that happened in the past. PTSD can become very disabling and have a huge impact on the sufferer's ability to function. In a way, I can't believe that I haven't written a post about it until now as out of all the mental health problems I suffer from, PTSD has definitely affected my life the most as it is the root of all the other problems I have developed. Today just felt like the right day to do it. I will probably write a number of other posts relating to PTSD but in this one I will try to give a sense of what PTSD is by referring to my experiences of suffering from it.
Why does PTSD start?
A person can develop PTSD after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. It is usually an event where either your life or that of another person is in danger of either injury or death. Examples of such events could include natural disasters, a car accident or physical assault. Quite simply because these events are so out of the ordinary and different to our usual day-to-day experiences, our brains struggle to process them properly. If a person has experienced a traumatic experience, it is normal or expected that they will feel quite vulnerable for some time after it. They may experience a lot of anxiety and a number of post traumatic stress symptoms. However, these symptoms will usually pass or lessen considerably after a couple of months and the person will feel able to resume their life as it was before the traumatic event. It is when the symptoms do not pass that a person is deemed to be suffering from PTSD. PTSD is generally diagnosed when post traumatic symptoms persist for over 6 months, in some cases they may persist for years and even worsen if left untreated. There may be a delay between the traumatic event and when post traumatic symptoms occur. Some people may appear to recover well in the initial period following a traumatic even but may develop PTSD later on in their lives usually at a time of significant personal stress.
What is CPTSD?
CPTSD stands for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is the particular type of PTSD that I suffer from. CPTSD is diagnosed when a person has experienced multiple traumas in their life. In my case, there are 13 (yes, unlucky number, I know!) events which shaped my life more than I like to acknowledge. I'm not sure if I actually can go into much detail as to what those specific traumas were but to give an idea, as I've mentioned before, I suffered childhood sexual abuse but also other traumas relating to domestic violence, abandonment and gun crime. CPTSD is often diagnosed among people who experienced a lot of trauma in childhood. Rather than their traumas relating to isolated incidents, it is more characteristic of CPTSD that the sufferer experienced repeated or prolonged trauma or abuse. I would say that this is the case for me, as well as experiencing a number of significant traumatic events, my childhood was generally traumatic in other ways.
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
PTSD is an anxiety disorder so its symptoms are largely anxiety related:
Flashbacks
Flashbacks are where you find yourself involuntarily reliving the traumatic event again and again. They can take form as intrusive thoughts or images. I might see almost an action replay of the event or still images of the event and no matter how many times I blink, it's still there when I open my eyes. You may see the event in your mind but you can also experience the emotions and physical sensations that you originally experienced when the traumatic event took place. The flashback can feel so real that you think that the traumatic event is actually happen to you. Ordinary things that you come across in every day life can trigger flashbacks. It can be something as simple as it being similar weather to when the traumatic event took place. To give an idea, here are some of my triggers: gun shots, films with guns in, images of guns, kitchen knives, cutlery, someone making a stabbing motion, a large amount of glasses, a male laugh, blood, Christmas trees, dolls, the sound of smashing glass, the sound of lots of people going down stairs, houses with side gates, background chatter, the sound of a can opening, facial hair, being told I'm 'pretty', black and white checked or striped print and the dentist. Honestly, I could probably make a list of over a hundred things, I suppose the more traumas you have experienced, the more triggers you have. The truth is, even writing some of those words gave me a flashback and that's not because I am afraid of the physical things I mentioned, rather I'm afraid of the traumatic events they relate to.
Nightmares
Flashbacks can occur at night as well as during the day. They occur at night in the form of nightmares. I have always thought that the word 'nightmare' is quite tame in explaining the experience of PTSD sufferers. The reality is that nightmares can be extremely vivid and feel very real. It may feel as though you are reliving the event over and over again. Just as with flashbacks during the day, during nightmares you can experience the emotional and physical sensations of the trauma. You can wake up sweating, shaking and physically in pain. Nightmares interfere with the quality of your sleep. Often I would wake up after a nightmare and feel more tired than if I hadn't slept at all. From experience, nightmares can be far more disorientating than flashbacks during the day due to the fact that you are asleep. You can wake up feeling as though you are still in the traumatic event. In short, PTSD nightmares are damn scary, imagine re-experiencing the worst thing that has ever happened to you night after night.
Avoidance
It is a natural response to avoid the things we are afraid of. Why would you actively want to go and do something if you knew there was a chance it could involve having a flashback. There can be so many triggers that it can become incredibly overwhelming and the easiest way to deal with it can be avoiding the triggers. Avoidance can come in many different forms. For some people, avoidance may mean not leaving the house. For others, it might be keeping themselves constantly distracted and busy. In the past, one of my avoidance tactics was to train very heavily in a sport. I could avoid so many social events by using the excuse that it didn't fit in with my heavy training schedule. Because avoidance is a natural response, it can be incredibly difficult to realise we are doing it. I have worked very hard not to avoid my triggers but inevitably, there are some that I probably avoid on a regular basis with very little thought. I avoid certain conversation, saying certain words, certain places, certain people and I limit the amount of times I use cutlery. These are just a few examples. The problem is, with avoidance, your life can suddenly become very small. If I avoided every single one of my triggers, I wouldn't be able to live at all. You can end up isolating yourself from other people, lose interest in things you used to enjoy and miss out on so many opportunities.
It is a natural response to avoid the things we are afraid of. Why would you actively want to go and do something if you knew there was a chance it could involve having a flashback. There can be so many triggers that it can become incredibly overwhelming and the easiest way to deal with it can be avoiding the triggers. Avoidance can come in many different forms. For some people, avoidance may mean not leaving the house. For others, it might be keeping themselves constantly distracted and busy. In the past, one of my avoidance tactics was to train very heavily in a sport. I could avoid so many social events by using the excuse that it didn't fit in with my heavy training schedule. Because avoidance is a natural response, it can be incredibly difficult to realise we are doing it. I have worked very hard not to avoid my triggers but inevitably, there are some that I probably avoid on a regular basis with very little thought. I avoid certain conversation, saying certain words, certain places, certain people and I limit the amount of times I use cutlery. These are just a few examples. The problem is, with avoidance, your life can suddenly become very small. If I avoided every single one of my triggers, I wouldn't be able to live at all. You can end up isolating yourself from other people, lose interest in things you used to enjoy and miss out on so many opportunities.
Numbing
This is very much linked to avoidance. In order to avoid the feelings associated with the trauma, you may force yourself to feel nothing at all. Feeling nothing at all may feel safer than running the risk of experiencing the intense, consuming emotions that may result from a flashback. Some PTSD sufferers can be prone to using alcohol or drugs to numb their emotions. This has never been the case for me but I have been known for using bouts of starvation and restriction of food intake to achieve the same numbing affect. What I would say as well is that, when you have experienced a number of traumatic events in your life, it is almost as though you become 'used to' receiving bad news. I wouldn't say you become genuinely 'used to it' but more the reality is that you become numb to it. Sometimes I can be given news about something really big that is likely to affect my life quite significantly and I will sit there completely expressionless or just carry on as though nothing has happened. Numbness can only last for so long though, eventually everything comes back and hits you all at once.
This is very much linked to avoidance. In order to avoid the feelings associated with the trauma, you may force yourself to feel nothing at all. Feeling nothing at all may feel safer than running the risk of experiencing the intense, consuming emotions that may result from a flashback. Some PTSD sufferers can be prone to using alcohol or drugs to numb their emotions. This has never been the case for me but I have been known for using bouts of starvation and restriction of food intake to achieve the same numbing affect. What I would say as well is that, when you have experienced a number of traumatic events in your life, it is almost as though you become 'used to' receiving bad news. I wouldn't say you become genuinely 'used to it' but more the reality is that you become numb to it. Sometimes I can be given news about something really big that is likely to affect my life quite significantly and I will sit there completely expressionless or just carry on as though nothing has happened. Numbness can only last for so long though, eventually everything comes back and hits you all at once.
Hyperarousal
This symptoms is particularly true of me. I often describe it as constantly being on my guard. If you have experienced a traumatic event, it can cause you to become hypervigilant and always be on the alert for things that may potentially result in another traumatic event. This symptom does not affect me to the extent that it used to in the past but I am still very easily startled by unexpected noises. I also become anxious about people standing in front of doors, exits being blocked, fire alarms going off, sirens etc. I suppose I am always subconsciously expecting the possibility of something traumatic occuring and become anxious about factors that could cause harm to either myself or other people. Hyperarousal can make it difficult to switch off meaning that PTSD sufferers often struggle to sleep.
Other symptoms
This symptoms is particularly true of me. I often describe it as constantly being on my guard. If you have experienced a traumatic event, it can cause you to become hypervigilant and always be on the alert for things that may potentially result in another traumatic event. This symptom does not affect me to the extent that it used to in the past but I am still very easily startled by unexpected noises. I also become anxious about people standing in front of doors, exits being blocked, fire alarms going off, sirens etc. I suppose I am always subconsciously expecting the possibility of something traumatic occuring and become anxious about factors that could cause harm to either myself or other people. Hyperarousal can make it difficult to switch off meaning that PTSD sufferers often struggle to sleep.
Other symptoms
These symptoms are more resultant from the symptoms mentioned above. It is common for PTSD sufferers to develop panic attacks in response to flashbacks (I plan to write a blog post dedicated to dealing with panic attacks). Due to the high levels of anxiety that PTSD sufferers experience, they often experience physical symptoms that result from anxiety. Amongst other things, I experience heart palpitations, headaches, digestive problems and muscle pain. When a PTSD response is triggered, the body releases a lot of adrenaline. When you have a lot of adrenaline pumped around your body, it can leave you feeling as though you have run a marathon! You can be left feeling tired, shaky and your muscles can feel very tight and tense.
What symptoms are associated with CPTSD?
What symptoms are associated with CPTSD?
Due to the fact that CPTSD usually concerns cases of trauma in childhood and prolonged trauma, as well as the regular PTSD symptoms, CPTSD sufferers may have additional symptoms which concern the way in which they perceive themselves and the world around them. Trauma affects the development of a child and the earlier the trauma occurs, the larger the impact on their development. Children respond to trauma differently. Some will respond by becoming destructive and aggressive. As a young child, I would often have violent outbursts at home which I appeared to be unable to control. Other children may withdraw, cut themselves off from the rest of the world and find it difficult to trust others. On the whole, I would say this best describes the way I responded - I went quiet. In many ways I was forced to grow up very quickly but in other ways, my perception of issues that relate to my traumas is very childlike.
As I have said, CPTSD will affect different people in different ways. Also, some people with PTSD may experience some of the symptoms that are associated with CPTSD as there is a lot of overlap. However, these are some of the symptoms which are commonly associated with CPTSD...
Feelings of shame and guilt
A lot of CPTSD sufferers will have suffered from childhood sexual abuse and is common for such a trauma to leave the victim with long term feelings of shame and guilt. In my case, it left me with a sense of being damaged, defective, unworthy and undeserving of anyone's love and affection. The guilt I have experienced mainly stems from the fact that someone else witnessed one of the incidents of sexual abuse. Although I could not have done anything to stop it, I have always blamed myself for the fact that someone else had to witness it. Due to my feelings of being unworthy and undeserving, I would often experience a lot of guilt if I reached out for help from others or was treated with love and kindness as I felt I didn't deserve it. I'm pleased to say that I have moved on from some of these feelings although not completely.
A sense of numbness and lack of connection to the body
I have spoken a bit already about my experiences of numbness but the feeling of having a lack of connection to the body is very much the case for me. Again, particularly stemming from the sexual abuse, I was left with a sense that my body had almost been poisoned and doesn't belong to me anymore. This has resulted in a lot of body image issues. I have a very distorted perception of my body and frequently look in the mirror and struggle to recognise myself. I suppose when traumatic events continually shape your life, it as though you lose track of who you are and who you've become through everything that's happened.
Failure to find enjoyment in anything
I wouldn't say that this is completely the case for me as I do believe that I have been able to find enjoyment at times in my life. What I would say though is that in the past, my traumas left me with a sense that I was just going through the motions of living my life. I would do things that I was 'supposed' to enjoy but in truth I didn't derive any enjoyment from those things. Sometimes I would almost stop myself from experiencing enjoyment as I felt I didn't deserve to enjoy myself due to the amount of guilt and shame I carried. In recent months though I would say that I have made quite a bit of headway on this one and it tends to be the simple things that I enjoy - going for a walk, seeing a beautiful view, laughing with friends, smiling...
Numb emotions through use of using street drugs, alcohol or harming yourself
Drugs and alcohol have certainly never been a problem for me but as someone who suffers extremely intense bouts of emotion, I can understand what can lead people to use substances as a way of coping. I have never physically harmed myself in the sense that most people think of with regards to self harm but I have used starvation in an attempt to achieve a similar numbing affect.
Cut off from reality (dissociation)
Sometimes facing the reality of the traumas you have been through and the reminders you face of them everyday can be too much to bear and the only way you find you can live is by zoning out. I have written a whole post about dissociation which can be found here. Sometimes you can feel as though so much of your life has been shaped by the traumatic events that you just don't know how to respond to it and the easiest option is to just cut yourself off from it. If you cut yourself, it feels as though the trauma can't hurt you anymore but the problem is when you cut yourself off from reality, you can't experience, feel or change anything. Many people develop the ability to dissociate as it was the way in which they responded to the original trauma - it can become a defensive mechanism in which the victim can make themselves feel as though the trauma is not happening to them. If you develop dissociation at a young age, as I did, it means that your dissociative episodes are likely to be very severe and difficult to prevent (although not impossible!).
Physical symptoms linked to trauma
This is a symptom that a lot of people would probably struggle to understand. The thing you have to remember is that just as your mind carries memories, your body carries physical memories too. Your body remembers how it felt during the trauma and can leave you with a number of somatic symptoms. Somatic symptoms are symptoms of physical illness or pain which can't be explained medically. However, just because they are not physically happening, it does not mean that they are not real. I experience a number of somatic symptoms - as a child I often had stomach pains that couldn't be attributed to illness, now I regularly experience lower back pain, tightness in my neck and right arm, numbness in my legs, headaches at the back of my head, cold flushes and something which I can only describe as being a 'strange feeling' - all of which can be linked to my traumas. This is something I struggle with a lot and generally don't talk about at all because I know that it is in my head. I almost wish they were genuine physical problems because in a way that would be easier to accept.
Suicidal thoughts and ideation
Indisputably the most serious symptom of the condition but unfortunately it is often a reality. Speaking from experience, I think the worst thing about CPTSD is that you feel as though you can't move on with your life. So much of your life and the way you are has been shaped by the trauma you have sustained that you that it can be easy to lose touch with the person beneath it all. It leaves you feeling lost, you don't know where to start, let alone know where to turn. If you experience feelings of shame and guilt, you may feel as though you don't deserve to live. The reality is that with CPTSD, you can find yourself waking up every morning after reliving your most traumatic memories and that's a difficult place to lift yourself out of especially when ordinary things in your every day life remind you of the traumas as well. I honestly don't believe that anyone truly wants to die but when PTSD symptoms are at their worst, living can feel like quite an unbearable experience. I got to a dark place a number of times in my life in which I could see no way out but I know there is one now, because I think I've started to find it and it can only be found by living.
Struggle to see a future
This very much characterised my experience of CPTSD for a very long time. All the symptoms can become very overwhelming and almost disabling. It is hard to envision a future when so much of your life is taken up by attempting to cope and manage reminders of a traumatic past. It is common for CPTSD sufferers to be left with a feeling that they are not going to live a long life or that they are destined to die young. I think that when a number of traumatic events happen to you in which your life is threatened, the possibility that you are going to die sooner rather than later begins to look increasingly likely. Sometimes it can almost be easier to adopt this kind of thinking rather than to try to look to the future because to a CPTSD sufferer the future can look very uncertain and almost inconceivable. For a good proportion of my life, I felt as though I couldn't see a future for myself at all. I struggled to cope with so many aspects of life due to the severity of my symptoms that I couldn't see myself being able to do any of things most people associate with the future. For example, I couldn't see myself getting married, having children, being able to hold down a job, being able to live on my own and so on. I have learnt now though that the future can mean many things and that people can find their peace and happiness in different ways.
The future is not as bleak as it may seem
I feel as though this has been such a depressing post and I don't want it to be entirely that way. I wanted to show the harsh reality of suffering from CPTSD and just how much of an impact it can have on people's lives. As difficult as life with the condition can be, I want to make it clear that it can be overcome. I don't think I completely believe that everything happens for a reason but I do believe that people survive for a reason and that's what we are survivors, not victims. Living with this illness drove me to complete and utter despair at times in my life but I can't begin to describe just how thankful I am to still be here fighting on because I have since been able to manage my symptoms far better than I ever had thought was possible.
The reason I found myself writing this post is because I have just started the most difficult stage in my trauma therapy this week. After getting to a point where I am more stable and am able to manage my symptoms better, I am now going to work to process my traumatic memories. To be honest, I am absolutely terrified but I know that it is something I have to do. At the moment, what I do is manage. Everyday, I work to manage a number of triggers in order to minimise the impact they have on my day to day existence. The point is though, I don't want to just manage, I want to live and I believe deep down that I can live. It is possible and if it's possible for me, then it's possible for anyone.
There is a life out there waiting for us.
It can be so easy to fall into the trap of thinking of yourself as weak and getting frustrated with yourself for not just getting over it. It has always helped me to remember though that all the symptoms we experience are a natural and normal response to what happened to us. Just sitting here writing posts like these makes me realise that I did survive for a reason. If we can channel what we've been through into something positive, something creative, something constructive, or even better, something that can help other people, then I honestly believe that whatever happened to us, we didn't suffer in vain.
Sometimes just opening yourself to the idea of a future is enough to start to let it take shape.
The future is not as bleak as it may seem
I feel as though this has been such a depressing post and I don't want it to be entirely that way. I wanted to show the harsh reality of suffering from CPTSD and just how much of an impact it can have on people's lives. As difficult as life with the condition can be, I want to make it clear that it can be overcome. I don't think I completely believe that everything happens for a reason but I do believe that people survive for a reason and that's what we are survivors, not victims. Living with this illness drove me to complete and utter despair at times in my life but I can't begin to describe just how thankful I am to still be here fighting on because I have since been able to manage my symptoms far better than I ever had thought was possible.
The reason I found myself writing this post is because I have just started the most difficult stage in my trauma therapy this week. After getting to a point where I am more stable and am able to manage my symptoms better, I am now going to work to process my traumatic memories. To be honest, I am absolutely terrified but I know that it is something I have to do. At the moment, what I do is manage. Everyday, I work to manage a number of triggers in order to minimise the impact they have on my day to day existence. The point is though, I don't want to just manage, I want to live and I believe deep down that I can live. It is possible and if it's possible for me, then it's possible for anyone.
There is a life out there waiting for us.
It can be so easy to fall into the trap of thinking of yourself as weak and getting frustrated with yourself for not just getting over it. It has always helped me to remember though that all the symptoms we experience are a natural and normal response to what happened to us. Just sitting here writing posts like these makes me realise that I did survive for a reason. If we can channel what we've been through into something positive, something creative, something constructive, or even better, something that can help other people, then I honestly believe that whatever happened to us, we didn't suffer in vain.
Sometimes just opening yourself to the idea of a future is enough to start to let it take shape.
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| Looking to the future and receiving the warmth of its transforming glow. |
The One Day Seeker
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