2017 - This was My Year...

I have been absent on here for a good while, but this is something I have always done every year since starting my blog, so I was determined to at least attempt it.

I did start writing another blog post acting as a bit of an explanation/update, which I do plan to finish and post.  In short, I have not been in a very good place recently, though I do feel that I am starting to come out the other side of it.  I was feeling as though I didn't really have anything useful or constructive to share on here, hence my absence.  However, it has been my intention to make a fresh start with my blog in the New Year - something I am hopeful I can achieve.

I've suddenly realised that the above montage includes a few photos of me - I don't have the energy or will to make a more anonymous version, so I think my usual anonymity is going to have to waive a little on this one - that might be a good this.

Anyway, this was my 2017...

~ I attended a number of art workshops - found them challenging, but so glad I've managed to keep it up.

~ I decided to make contact with the police to find out about what the process of reporting historical sexual offences committed against me as a child would involve.

~ I was discharged from the ENT service after they got to the bottom of my ear/hearing problems.  Nothing very significant had been found - I have mild hearing loss due to my inner ear being damaged by repeated infections; I also have tinnitus, which I was advised to ignore - it felt like quite difficult advice to accept at the time, but I did employ a bit of mind over matter and my ears have not bothered me so much since.

~ Quite a few internal shifts occurred within my system - quite difficult to explain, but basically entailed a higher level of communication and integration through the sharing of memories - an awareness that was difficult and painful at times but probably needed, or for the best.

~ A student at work looked up my skirt, which rattled me, but I found the strength to rise above it.

~ I went for a short break to Aberdeen - it was beautiful and surpassed my expectations!

~ Throughout the year I had various meetings with the police about taking my case forwards - 

it all felt very new and terrifying, but something about it felt 'right' - like I was doing the right thing.

~ I began driving again after having my licence reinstated given that I had been seizure free for a year.

~ I applied to do a PhD in Theology and Religious Studies - I got into all three universities I applied to.  It then all rested on being awarded funding... In the end I won two funding competitions for studentships at King's College London - it meant a great deal that there were people out there who believed in my research project enough to invest money in it!

~ I finished processing one of my trauma memories through EMDR - it was what I considered to be the worst of my trauma memories.  Originally I didn't believe I would be able to do it, but I guess I found some belief along the way - it changed my life and mindset in ways that are probably not so obvious but very meaningful to me.

~ A part of me worried my therapist by climbing a high wall when she was upset at the end of the session - oops, but haven't done it since!

~ I had a lovely Easter mini break in London - it made me feel much more positive about the prospect of studying in London.

~ I faced a scary situation in which two parts of me became suicidal - it was partly a reliving experience of when I had been in crisis three years ago.  I survived, and we found peace with ourselves again.

~ I survived sepsis - that stands out as being a pretty significant event in my year!

~ I had a conversation with a student at work about rape in which I stayed present and connected.  Then I fell apart afterwards, but I decided that was okay - it was progress.

~ (I've been in two minds about writing this, but it was a significant event in my year...)

My best friend became pregnant, she gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy a couple of weeks ago.

Of course, I am pleased for her, happy, excited... but it stirred up some of my own issues - 

I've struggled to adjust, as I do with any change, more than I'd want to admit on here.

~ I talked to my therapist about my memory of the birth of my brother (I was present at his birth) - 

it was the first time I had told anyone about it in detail - it helped to put it into words out loud.

~ I nearly lost a student out a window at work!

~ I developed some additional PTSD symptoms around going to the doctors resulting from my experience of developing sepsis when I became very unwell in a doctor's surgery, but a lovely, patient GP helped me to overcome my anxieties.

~ I discovered that my mum had thrown away the majority of our family photos - it annoyed me to say the least, but as usual I expressed my anger quietly.

~ I saw the students whom I had started with leave the school - they will never know just how much they meant to me and how they were such a huge motivation for me to get better.

~ Then, I left my much adored job of five years - I don't cope with with 'leaving' well, but I knew it was the right time.

~ I entered one of my paintings in an art competition for the first time - I didn't get anywhere as far as I know, but that didn't matter to me.

~ I bid farewell (more like good riddance) to my CMHT.

~ With the help and support of my therapist and GP, I agreed to be tested for HIV as well as other 'unsavory infections' that I worried I may have contracted from being sexually abused as a child.

I can't explain my relief when I found out that I was not HIV positive - that's one thing off the list!

~ A part of me jumped out the window at therapy (ground floor ;) ) - oops!  But, it didn't have the disastrous consequences I might have worried about.

~ I saw my lovely little niece grow up - spending time with her always makes me so happy.  

I also gained a little nephew too!

~ I visited York and Scarborough - had been on my list for ages and didn't disappoint.

~ I moved out!

~ I started my PhD course at King's College London - there have been a lot of 'new things' to adjust to, and I'd like to say that I'm getting there, but maybe not quite yet.

~ I experienced a huge internal conflict in which a part of me became very annoyed with my therapist and distrustful of her - we resolved it.

~ Younger parts of me wanted my therapist to adopt them - they were very sad when they were told this wouldn't be possible.

~ I have a dissociative episode the first time I met my learning mentor and suddenly found myself in the Disney Store on Oxford Street :o  It was pretty frightening at the time, though I can also laugh about it.  My learning mentor has since become a great support to me.

~ I developed an intense resentment about the widespread misuse of the word 'literally', but my therapist suggested a coping strategy to manage it.

~ I went to the Harry Potter - A History of Magic exhibition at the British Library :)

~ I went ahead and did my video recorded interview with the police about the historical offences committed against me - it was probably the hardest experience of my life, though not the worst, obviously... The interview affected me hugely - I plan to write more about this in my next post.

This was probably the most significant event of my whole year.  Despite how the interview left me feeling, I don't regret it.

~ I had a pretty catastrophic first meeting with my assigned caseworker from Victim Support that resulted in me having to make a formal complaint to them - not something I ever expected to have to do!

~ I experienced my first Christmas following the processing of traumatic memory associated with Christmas - it has not resolved all my issues with this time of year, though I never expected it to.

It did however make a significant difference, and that counts for a lot - it gave me hope, and a bit of hope goes a long way at the moment.

That's all I want to share for now.

That was my 2017.

Hope yours was equally as eventful but in the most meaningful of ways.

Love and Strength,

The One Day Seeker