Moving Out and Living Alone: Reflections

I've been in two minds about whether to write this blog post as I personally haven't felt like I have been coping all that well with latest big change in my life that is moving out.

However, I am told that I am coping better than I think I am, and I'm hoping that I'll at least have something useful to share on the subject...

For those of you who follow my Instagram, or rather my attempt at instablogging, you may already know that I moved out over a month ago and moved into the new little abode I am now renting.

This is the first time I have ever moved out, and lived away from my parentals - a little embarrassing at the grand old age of 26, but life has never made it possible until this point.

I moved out in order to be at a more commutable distance to London as I have just begun my PhD in Theology and Religious Studies at King's College London (post to come on returning to studying soon I hope) and I was awarded a studentship which made it financially possible for me.

I am living on my own, which felt like the best move for me as I struggle to navigate living with others.

I struggle with change at the best of times, and life seems to have hit me with a lot of it recently.

I have to remind myself that it takes time to adjust.

In the meantime, I am just going to share a few things that I have learnt so far, in the hope that it might help others who are embarking on a similar venture.

You might have doubts but ultimately you will know if you are ready to move out

As time drew closer to my moving date and even during the process of moving in, I experienced huge moments of self doubt...

Furnishing a flat and renting is one of the first big commitments anyone will ever make, and with it comes new pressures.  Despite living at home, I have for a long time lived a pretty independent life.  However, I guess the difference with moving out is that there is no one there anymore to catch you if you fall.  When you live with your parents, unless they are incredibly arseholic, no matter what happens, you will always have a roof over your head and food to eat.
When you move out, you're sort of flying solo.

I had wanted to move out for a good couple of years prior, but hadn't been in a position to do so.

I felt as though the independence would do me good and it would provide me with a space to be me - in many ways that has definitely happened.

Moving out takes a lot of planning, preparation and can be pretty time consuming even in the lead up - I can vouch for the fact that it is a pretty stressful, but exciting, time.  It's not surprising that it can brew doubts.

For me, it felt like there was a real build up - it was something I had thought about and been working towards for so long, and when it was finally happening, the biggest doubt that surfaced in my mind was - what if I can't do it?

What if I just can't do the whole moving out and living on my own thing?

I can't say that those doubts have completely disappeared, but they have faded and I hope they will continue to fade every week and month I prove to myself that I am doing it.

It is normal to have doubts, but you'll know in you heart whether the time is right for you, so trust that gut feeling and have faith in it.

Moving out isn't all that glamorous!

I watched a fair amount of 'Moving Vlogs' around the time that I was moving out - they made great viewing, but to be honest, most did not reflect my experience.  There they were with their stylish furniture, personalised towels, pastel coloured kitchenware and matching cutlery.  With a tight budget, I had no choice but to go for the cheap and cheerful approach.  Moving is incredibly exhausting and hard work as well!  I am only one person, but you suddenly realise the amount of 'stuff' that you have managed to accumulate over the years.  I'm sure others must feel the same way in the aftermath of moving - I certainly don't want to move again, or not for a very long time!

What I want to get across though is that even if you are on a budget and have to look along the lines of what you can afford rather than what you find aesthetically pleasing - you can still put your own personal stamp on things and make it feel like home.

(I've shared some photos of the more homely corners of my new abode, which I am proud of!)

Get in a routine

A lot of my friends who have moved out have commented that they feel they now have 'no time' as their every waking hour can become consumed by chores.

I haven't really felt that way...

As I've said, despite living at home, I had always led a pretty independent life.

I did most things around the house and have cooked all my own meals for years, though of course I did not have to do everything!

I guess what I am meaning to say is that it didn't feel like a very big jump for me in terms of chores.

What may have helped with this is that I just seemed to fall into a routine straightaway that felt natural to me.

That would be my main piece of advice - to establish a routine with housework that works for you and fits around your lifestyle, so that it just becomes ingrained as part of your daily routine and therefore doesn't feel so time consuming.

People might be more worried about you than you are!

Something that I have found a bit frustrating throughout my moving out journey is that other people seemed to be far more worried about me and have a lot more doubts than me.

I imagine that most parents worry when their offspring flee the nest, but perhaps these worries become multiplied in the face of mental illness.

In the months leading up to my move, I must have received hundreds of little 'oh how will you possibly cope if you move out' digs - it irritated me but it didn't deter me!

It didn't exactly fill me with confidence, but at the same time, it made me realise that this was a venture which I was going to have to jump in with both feet - off my own back and fueled by the trust I had in myself that I was ready for it.

In a similar fashion, even since I've moved out, those worries from others have not disappeared, but simply transform in nature...

I am routinely asked (quite too frequently for my liking) whether I am still happy where I am, almost as though they are waiting for me to change my mind, and also whether I have eaten and what I have eaten.

In response, I would like to say that when I moved, I didn't expect to be 'happy'.

I have certainly enjoyed and benefited from having my own space, but unless I am mistaken, no one is 'happy' every single day of their life, regardless of where they live.

Mental illness doesn't disappear just because you've moved house, and I never expected it to.

The phrase 'same shit different place' seems to come to mind, and I'm not one to swear (sorry!).

What also perplexed me about the words of these concerned few, especially with regards to my eating, is that I have been for a number of years very independent and almost private (maybe too much) in my recovery, especially where my eating disorder is concerned.

I can't deny that the thought of (TW) - I could get away with not eating and no one would know - 

did cross my mind, but it didn't cause me to sway from my established routine with food.

What moving out may have reinforced for me even more is that I am doing this off my own back - 

I am recovering for me, and there is something empowering in that.

If you come up against the worries and doubts of others, remind yourself of all the reasons why you are taking this step and are ready for this step - you are doing this for you and nobody else!

Loneliness...

Spend time around people everyday

I can't say that I have actually felt lonely at all since moving out and living on my own.

I don't actually tend to feel lonely in general, and I think a lot of this is down to having DID - 

I am never really alone and always have someone to talk to.

(even if the conversation's not wanted at times!)

It has also helped that I have been lucky enough to bring my beautiful bunnies with me.  

They are honestly the most joyous companions ever.  

They are also incredibly for my overall wellbeing - it gives me a sense of value, motivation and responsibility that I have two quirky yet loving little creatures just meters from my room who rely on me for their every need.

This is them exploring their new home...

Obviously I know that it is actually quite rare to be able to find a flat to rent with a garden and that allows pets!  I have been incredibly lucky!

However, even if you can't have fur babies, I know that it can help when living alone to make sure that you come into contact with people every single day, even if it isn't directly.  For example, just by walking into your town centre or your local shop everyday brings you into contact with other people, even if you don't actually speak to them.  It may seem a bit sad, or even silly, but I can vouch for the fact that simply being around people can make you feel 'a part of something' and not alone.

I personally can appreciate silence a lot of the time, but having music, television, the radio playing in the background can break up the silence.

My grandma started listening to BBC Radio 4 at night ever since my granddad died - she claims it to be good company and just as boring as he was!  Unfortunately, since she has become increasingly deaf, so when she comes to stay the whole house goes to bed listening to BBC Radio 4!

Surround yourself with familiar things

This may also help with loneliness.

As I really struggle with change, one of the first things I did when I moved in was to locate familiar things and unpacked them first.

On the first night I created the cosy, deer inspired nest pictured below.

As I have Dissociative Identity Disorder all parts of my system have had to settle and adjust to our new surroundings.  Being surrounded by a few familiar things they associate with from the get go really helped with the settling in process.

Parts of my system also had their opinions on where things should go - I tried to listen to this and accommodate their needs accordingly.

The beauty of living on your own is that you get to put everything exactly where you want it, and you know where everything is (well hopefully!).

Explore...

It's an opportunity for new adventures

As you probably know from the amount of times I've mentioned it on my blog, and because of the amount of photos I take - I am a keen walker!

Walking in nature has always seemed to help me with my mental health, so it felt important once I moved to keep this up, also offering me a bit of continuity.

Moving means lots of new walking routes to discover and new places to see, so get out and see what your new area has to offer...

It's a big change - don't worry if you feel unsettled at first!

I definitely need to take some of my own advice on this one.

Moving out is probably one of the biggest life changes you'll ever make, so it is not surprising if it leaves you feeling unsettled - I certainly feel unsettled, perhaps more so than I ever have done before!

I can't say I have all the answers on this one, but I think and hope that in time the unsettled feelings fade.

So give it time...

It's important to remember that while moving out is a big change, it is also a big achievement!

So, well done!

I know that on my first night, when it felt as though I had come home to both my new home and my new life, there was a moment when I nestled down into the cosy nest I had created and thought to myself - I've actually done it! I've moved out!

Because moving out had felt like a long time coming from me and because of long term struggles with mental illness, perhaps moving out felt like an even greater achievement for me - 

it was something I couldn't even envision a few years ago...

Sometimes it's the struggle that makes the end goal feel all the more rewarding.

Relish in that sense of achievement and be proud of how far you've come.

I hope these reflections have offered some help or food for thought?

This may be a bit selfish, but I have to say that writing this blog post has really helped me...

I have been feeling as though I am really 'not coping' with moving out and all the other big changes in my life, but reflecting and writing this blog post has made me realise that perhaps I am doing a lot better than I think I am - nothing has gone disastrously wrong, and I've learnt a few things along the way.

I'd bet that a lot of you out there are doing far better than you think you are and give yourself credit for?

Love and Strength,

The One Day Seeker.