The One Day Seeker's New Look and Current Reflections

Mapping a path through life's forest...

This feels like a bit of an impromptu and spontaneous post, but perhaps I could do with a few more of those...

Depending on how much you visit my blog, you may or may not have noticed that it's had a bit of a makeover.

This is by no means the finished article - there are still quite a few bits that I need to tinker around with, but it seems to be heading in the direction I intended.

I hadn't changed the theme or layout of my blog since starting it up three years ago.

A lot has changed in those three years and I felt that its original appearance is no longer a true reflection of where I am in my life right now - it was a bit too dark for my liking.  So I've been trying to trade for a lighter, clean, and more minimalist look that better reflects my current personal tastes.

I hope you like the new look, even if it is a working progress.

Feeling the need to change up the look of my blog, made me realise just how much has changed since starting up my blog - how much I've changed.

I started up this blog when I was in a very dark place in my life.

I had not long been discharged from my one and only inpatient admission.  

It sounds like a bit of cliche when I write about reaching rock bottom, but that, without a doubt was my lowest point of all time.  That admission culminated months of being intensely, and actively suicidal - living a tortured existence that barely felt like an existence at all.  It was a time in which I desperately tried to cling onto life, but found everything crumbling down around me.
When I was taken away in an ambulance under the impression that I had been sectioned, I was met with this surreal, but harrowing recognition that I had well and truly messed up my life.  I felt as though I had lost everything - my job, my identity, my rights, my dignity, and life as I knew it.

Although awful beyond words, and not something I'd ever want to repeat, that time in my life turned out to be so influential - I may have felt as though I had lost everything, but little did I know,
I was to gain so much more.

I think that starting up this blog was symbolic of me making a crucial commitment to my recovery -
I was going to stick around to make it happen, whatever it would take, and I was going to document my journey in the search of better days in the hope that it might help others too.
That's why I named this blog 'One day...'
Despite everything in my life at the time feeling so very uncertain, dark and bleak, I held onto that little bit of hope that one day things would be better, and that even the impossible might feel that bit more possible.
Part of what has inspired this new lighter look is my realisation that perhaps that one day doesn't feel so far off anymore - maybe I've even reached that one day multiple times and in multiple ways!
Hope and positivity don't seem so distant anymore.

I might not be the most dedicated, frequent, or committed 'blogger'.
I am not living under any illusion that my blog has lots of views or followers - I certainly haven't put in anywhere near enough effort to warrant more interest!
I guess I hope that there might be more silent readers out there like me who gain something from reading my ramblings.
In any case, this blog means something to me...
It has documented my journey so far, and I hope that it has at least brought something positive to others too.

'One day...' has borne witness to a great deal...
~  When I started my blog, I had just been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder - a diagnosis I struggled to accept, and probably for good reason...
~ For the first time in my life I was removed from my usual incessant rushing and desperate busyness - I was facing a long term absence from work while I attempted to rebuild my life.
~ I had also, for the first time ever, started taking medication to manage my mental health problems.
~ One day... saw me improve my sleep, mood, and general being - I challenged myself to face things that I previously avoided as I found them anxiety provoking.  I started living my life again, and already I was doing things that, not so long ago, I wouldn't have ever imagined I'd be able to do.
~ One day... saw me get myself to a place where I was able to return to my studies and finish my masters degree.
~ One day... saw me return to work after 7 months of absence - it wasn't easy, but it meant so much to me to get myself back to doing what I loved.
~ One day... saw me take little 'mental health trips' away on my own.
~ One day... saw me engage in long term therapy, and begin to face the trauma of my past.
So much of what I've achieved and been able to share on here is down to my amazing therapist's help and support - I really couldn't be more grateful.
~ One day... saw me through a difficult 3 months when my therapist unexpectedly had to go on leave.
~ One day... saw me develop lots of safety and stabilisation skills, which helped me to manage my condition - I began to learn was safe was for the first time in my life.
~ One day... saw my life once again being thrown off course as I developed seizures.  It was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster - months of my life being disrupted by seizures, months spent worrying and not knowing what was wrong with me, months of referrals and tests, then a diagnosis of dissociative seizures, which initially felt difficult to accept.
~ One day... saw me come to accept my diagnosis of dissociative seizures and never have a seizure again.
~ One day... saw me come to realise and accept that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, which led to me actually embracing my existence and all that comes with it.
~ One day... saw me acknowledge and embrace my diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder through writing a blog post that ended up being featured by Time to Change and received over 8,000 view in one day.  This was by far the highlight of my blogging venture!  It's not really about the numbers - it's the fact that I reached people and that my words seemed to mean something to them.  That was all I ever wanted to achieve through my blog, and I would love to get there again.
~ One day... saw me begin to address and look after my physical health more.
~ One day... saw me break my own silence on the topic of childhood sexual abuse - that was huge for me, and I intend to continue to document my path to healing on that front.
~ One day... saw me have my original diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder revised - such a great and validating moment!
~ One day... saw me no longer shy away from highly sensitive, emotive, and potentially risky subjects such as suicide.
~ One day... saw me through my recent brush with death aka sepsis - surviving a very serious physical health scare and live to blog the tale!
It seems that one day saw rather a lot!

Over the past few weeks, I've found myself in a really happy place.
In fact, I can't even believe just how happy and settled I seem to be.
I know very well that it may not last, as it often doesn't in my case, but I'm enjoying and appreciating it while it's there.
Lots of big things are happening in my life at the moment that back when I started my blog,
I would never have imagined that I would see the day...
~ I've nearly come off my medication completely and have now gone days sans sertraline for the first time in over 3 years.  I plan to write a blog post on this, but I am finding it really reassuring that my mood seems to so good considering that I am tapering off.
~ I am due to start my PhD in Theology and Religious Studies in October after winning a studentship.  This did mean leaving my job of 5 years, which I absolutely adored.  I found it incredibly difficult, but at the same time, I am glad that I finally felt able to move on and make my next step.
~ I am due to move out for the first time (a bit embarrassing at nearly 26 years of age) at the end of this month after securing the flat that I was pinning all my hopes on - even my babies (bunnies) are allowed to come!
 All of this is new and daunting, but very exciting!
My blog posts tend to be inspired by things that are going on in my life.
The above has given me so many ideas, I just hope that I will, for once, be able to put them all into writing.
Hopefully, One day... is going to see an awful lot more of what's to come.

I realise that this blog post is mainly all about the happenings of my life - I usually don't like that to be the main focus.  However, it felt important to share these reflections...
What I wanted to get across is that I started this blog post trying to amble my way out of a pit of despair, and three years on, I find myself doing some things that I never would have believed possible for me.  I got there by hanging onto that small glimmer of hope that one day things might, just might, get better.  The road of my recovery is certainly not over - I still have a very long way to go.
Some days it's not easy.  In fact, everyday it's not easy.
Suffering from complex trauma is certainly never boring...
I think it's only when you look back and reflect on all you've been through that you can begin to appreciate how far you've come.
I want to remind you that however bleak and desperate your situation may appear, your life can and will get better, and one day you will be capable of things that you are not even able to imagine.
On top of that, that one day might not be so far off as it feels.
And even if all this hopeful, seemingly idealistic spiel is going over your head right now, there are people who will always hold out that hope for you.
Let me have hope on your behalf.

Love and Strength,
The One Day Seeker