A Few Words on Suicide and Why to Stick with Life Even When it Doesn't Seem to Make Sense

As your world falls apart, there's a part of you that still remains intact.

I usually have a vague schedule for my blog posts but sometimes things that happen in my current life motivate me to bring some topics forward while they are particularly fresh, or rather, raw in my mind.  This is one of those occasions.  I made a brief post about this on my Facebook page but for those of you who have not seen it, last week, quite unexpectedly, I received some sad news that a friend of mine had ended her life.  It wasn't a really close friend but a friend nonetheless and ironically someone who supported me when I was in a very dark place and told me that I would find light at the end of the tunnel.  We may not have been really close but I knew her well enough to justly say that the world has lost such an amazing, kind, friendly and caring person that day.  However, as utterly gutted and devastated I am over this tragic loss, as someone who has previously found herself in a similar situation a number of times, it has made me recognise how much I truly value my life now and want to go on living.  Call it a silver lining or a positive but sometimes I think you just have to find whatever you can in a sad situation.  Essentially, this tragedy has motivated me to attempt to tackle the sensitive subject that is suicide.  I hope to dispel some myths surrounding suicide but also offer some form of hope to those who may be experiencing suicidal thoughts or ideation and also those who are affected by suicide.  

First of all, a bit of myth busting...

Suicide is not selfish, it is tragic.

There is nothing that aggrieves me so greatly as when there is a fatality on a train line and a fellow passenger, affected by the subsequent delays, makes narrow minded comments relating purely to the inconvenience caused to themselves and expressing disdain towards the deceased over the 'selfish' manner in which they chose to end their life.  As someone who has experienced suicide within the family, I can honestly say that I would take even bit of disruption and inconvenience caused over the pain of being told that one of your loved ones has met such a tragic end.  I am not denying that suicide leaves a lot of people behind but it couldn't be further from the truth to imply that the person who who has lost their life to suicide hadn't given a second thought to the suffering that would be caused to the people they left behind. 

 For someone to intend to take their own life, as the act in itself suggests, they have to be in a very desperate place.  I honestly believe that no one truly wants to die, they just want the pain they feel inside to stop and can't see any other way.  When I was experiencing suicidal thoughts and ideation, I thought extensively about how my parting would affect other people, in fact, it dominated my thoughts.  As I've touched upon already, a number of members of my extended family have committed suicide.  I witnessed and grew up with the pain and distress caused to those they left behind.  At a young age, I promised myself that wherever life took me, I would not end up the same way as them and yet, despite this, in the depths of depression, suicidal thoughts consumed me from my every waking hour.  I felt as though I had let myself down as well as anyone else who ever believed in me, yet I felt completely stuck, as though my life was already drifting away from me and I was powerless to stop it.  I almost saw my end as inevitable and my only concern was to attempt to limit the damage caused to other people.  I planned and plotted extensively, eventually coming to the realisation that all my efforts were rather unfruitful and pitiless.  The truth I discovered in the midst of my despair was that there is never a 'good time' to end your life, there is no way to make it hurt others any less.

You may know full well how much hurt you are potentially causing to others, so much so that you are consumed by guilt but you are in such a desperate place that killing yourself feels like your only option because going on living feels so unbearable.

This was a time when I burnt every suicide plan that littered my living space, in the interest of making yet another attempt at a fresh start.  It wasn't the end of my struggles but nonetheless, a significant moment for me.  Remember, all the time you are alive, there are no limits to the amount of times you can attempt to start over.  Every day can be a fresh start if needs be.

The dark truths of being suicidal...

I know I am going to have to be careful with what I am going to say in this respect as the last thing I would want is to trigger someone.  However, often I hear the word 'suicidal' being thrown around with little idea as to what it actually entails.  As with anything, every individual's experience is different but broadly speaking, suicidal thoughts come in many forms.  You can be passively suicidal - you may not actively seek to end your life but if death was to come your way, you would welcome it.  You may not want to die but you don't want to live or rather live the life you have at current.  

You may take comfort in the idea that you could escape it all, it may make your pain feel more bearable.  Suicide may be something you think about a lot or it may come over you suddenly like an impulse.  Based upon my own experiences, I think if you experience suicidal thoughts and ideation, it is likely to present itself in a variety of ways at times.

My only reason for elaborating on he nature of such dark thoughts, is to emphasise that being suicidal is a legitimate and valid way to feel.  I've been called 'ridiculous', 'stupid' and 'selfish' when I wanted to end my life at the age of 22 and those words just served to make me feel even more worthless and pathetic than I already did.

It makes sense that if you experiencing excruciating inner turmoil and pain, you would seek anyway out you could.

I've spent many a year feeling deeply ashamed of my history of near suicide attempts but with time and support, I've come to see that I wasn't a bad or selfish person back then,  I was just very unwell, so unwell that it clouded my every judgement and decision.

Just because feeling suicidal is a legitimate and valid way to feel, does that mean it's an okay thing to do? 

Absolutely not!

Once during a turbulent session with my then despairing counsellor, to whom I had reluctantly revealed my latest suicide plan, she said to me that there was only one way that I wasn't going to get better and that was if I wasn't around to see it through. 

I didn't appreciate her words at the time in the slightest but I now see that she was absolutely right.  Ending your life, is the end of all options, the end of all possibilities.

All the time you are alive, there is a chance that your life could get better, even if it doesn't seem a though it ever will, there's always a possibility and where there's possibility, there is hope.

Sticking with life even when it doesn't make any sense to you.

Everyday you are alive is an achievement.  

When I was in the depths of suicidal thoughts, any attempt to make me try and see any positives in my life felt laughable.  When so consumed by darkness, you almost feel beyond considering any possibility of things improving because everything around you has become so heavily bogged down that you feel as though you can't imagine it any other way.  That was me once - I felt as though I had given up, I couldn't see myself getting better, I couldn't even see myself sticking around to find out if it would and I didn't believe anyone who told told me otherwise.  However, only a couple of years have passed, I'm still here and I can honestly say I couldn't be more grateful to be here.  My life is not perfect, I have my fair share of struggles but my life has improved in so many ways, some which I didn't believe were possible and I now value my life far more than I ever have done before.  I feel as though I've been through every thought and emotion possible over my existence - feeling guilty and ashamed for even contemplating suicide,  feeling beyond caring if I live or die, feeling angry at myself over every failed plan, hating others for stopping me but now my main thought is 'Thank God I didn't!' and I never thought I'd be around to say that!  There's no reason why you won't be able to look back one day at this horrendous period of life and be able to say the same.   

I think sometimes you just have to be open to the idea that your life could be different one day.  

Your only way forwards is to simply stick with it, stick with life even when it seems meaningless and doesn't make any sense to you.  You never know, you may become that person who cheesily lists to others all the reasons why they shouldn't give up too!

Hang onto all the things that give you even just a little more reason to live.

My recent post on coping with depression may be useful to refer back to.

In addition though my main piece of advice would be to reach out and hang onto anything that gives you just a little more reason or purpose to go on living.  Whether that's putting planned activities in your diary, making commitments, knowing that there is a family occasion others will expect you to attend.  Struggling with suicidal thoughts was the main reason why I bought my pet rabbits - sometimes just knowing that there were two little creatures at the bottom of my garden who rely on me for everything they need, gave me that little bit of motivation to go on living or even just to get up and feed them!  I'm not saying that getting a pet can be the answer to all your problems but, as with many things, it can help to some extent.  When I look at my two bundles of fur now, who are now all grown up at nearly 2 years old, I feel so pleased that I stuck around and have watched them grow up - they are quite symbolic in my recovery!

My beautiful girls - The brown and white one on the left is called Hope and the grey and white one on the right is called Saoirse, which means 'freedom' in Irish (even their names are symbolic of the values I aspire to have). 

Push for the help you need.

If you can't, allow others to do so.

I would love to be able to have the confidence in the mental health services to say that they will rally round you and provide you with every bit of help and support you need when in a crisis but unfortunately, as far as my experiences go with the NHS, this is not necessarily the case.

What I found particularly challenging was that when I was severely depressed, I found it very difficult to make clear to others just how bad things had got.  I felt as though I was completely unworthy and undeserving of help or support.  As I was so preoccupied with suicide, I was very hesitant about revealing my plans to others in case I would be stopped (very sad, I know now) and my cognitive ability had become so impaired that I would struggle to string a sentence together or explain anything with clarity.

I am sure that I am not the only one who has experienced these kind of difficulties but what I've realised that it does not make you weak or beyond help, it is just the harsh reality of depression that when you are most unwell, that is the most difficult time to reach out for the help that you so desperately need.

Therefore, if you are struggling to push for the help you need, then it is important to have others around you who can and will.  This might mean allowing others you are close to and trust to become involved in your care and almost act as an advocate on your behalf.  They may have the strength to be assertive, persistent, push for the help that you need and be willing to speak up when they don't feel your needs are being met.  If you or others fear for your safety while living in the community, this may mean pushing for inpatient care.  It can be very difficult to allow others to become involved in this way, you may not feel as though you want the help or feel out of control but you have to keep in mind that others are only fighting for you because they care about you and have your best interests at heart.

As much as you may not believe it, everyone deserves help.  

I remember when I was in inpatient care during a mental health crisis, I remember when I told a nurse that I felt I didn't deserve help, she said that regardless of whether I felt I deserved it, help would be provided so I might as well accept it while its there.

Perhaps that's the great strength of human kindness, there are always going to be people who are willing to help even though you might not want it or feel you deserve it.  

If help's there you might as well just take it.

Stick with your safety plan even when it doesn't make a lot of sense to you.

This seems to be the running theme of this blog post!

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or ideation and think there is a chance you may harm yourself, it is vital to have a safety plan.

A safety plan is simply a document that is drawn up to help you when you are experiencing suicidal thoughts to keep yourself safe and reach out for the support you may need to make this happen.

You can make a safety plan yourself or you can draw one up with the help of mental health professionals and even alongside supportive friends or family members.

Some things that may be useful to include on a safety plan:

A check list of safety measures:

~ Stay in your home or in an allocated 'safe place'

~ Remove items that may pose a risk to you or get others to do so

~ For example, you may arrange to give someone else some sharp objects or large quantities of medication to store away for the time being

A list of things you could do to distract yourself:

I find repetitive tasks such as colouring or crafts the best.

You could make a safety box to go alongside your safety plan, filled with things that could help to distract yourself or help make you feel safe during the difficult times.

A list of contacts:

~ Friends or family members whom you trust

~ You may agree with them beforehand that you will contact them when you are struggling.  

When I've found it difficult to express how I was feeling, we made up a code - I would send a simple text or message with the number 1 or 2 to show that I was feeling low.

~ Mental health professionals who are involved in your care

~ Your GP surgery

~ Mental health helplines - there are NHS out of hours ones as well as numbers you can ring during the day.

~ Charities, such as the Samaritans.

You are best having as many contacts as possible listed because if you can't get through to one, at least you will have other options.

I know that it is one thing drawing up a safety plan and another thing following it, especially when you are experiencing very troubling thoughts and emotions.

The good thing about it being a list is that you can treat it as exactly that - a list of instructions that you can go through the motions of following even if your heart is not in it.

I remember when I was feeling suicidal, my safety plan felt like the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen in my life - it just didn't seem to make a lot of sense to me but I recognise that was down to how I was feeling at the time.  When I felt that way, I remember thinking that the last thing I wanted to do was phone a mental health line and speak to a complete stranger as I didn't like to use the telephone at the best of times.  In instances like these, I think you have to be a bit methodical about it - it's on my list so I have to do it.  This is what I mean by just sticking with it even if it doesn't make much sense to you right now.

All the time you are engaging with the things listed on your safety plan is time in which you are not doing destructive things and it may even distract you or offer you some relief from your thoughts.

I have felt quite a lot of pressure when writing this blog post to do the topic of suicide justice as I fear that a significant amount rests upon it.  It is, after all, a matter of life and death.

However, I suppose I've concluded that at least I have produced something, something that is heavily based upon my own personal experience and if I could help just one person through what I've written then my efforts, my past suffering and perhaps even the suffering of others will not have been in vain.

You might call this a bit of an emotional plea but emotional is definitely how I'm feeling right now... If you are going to take anything away from what you have read, take it from me - I spent an extended period of my life feeling as though I was running hopelessly and helplessly from one suicide attempt to another.  I didn't think I'd see my next birthday, let alone have a future of any description.  It was as though I was watching my life spiral away from me even though I didn't feel as though there was much there to lose in the first place; my existence had felt so meaningless that I regularly questioned whether I was even here at all.

Yet I am here now and as I see it, I'm definitely in it for the long haul, whatever that will entail.

I guess you could say that I saw the light at some point, a light that I wasn't even looking for.

If it's any consolation for my previous demise and no doubt the suffering I caused others who had to witness it, I now value and appreciate life more than I ever have done and I truly believe that 

There is no place so low in life that you can't lift yourself out of.

So stick with life and all the unexpected possibilities it may bring, even when it doesn't make a lot of sense!

Love and Strength,

The One Day Seeker