Borderline Personality Disorder: Managing Intense Emotions

It's just a passing shower...

First of all, sorry for my absence.

It feels as though I haven't written a blog post in an age, even though it has been on my mind a lot.

I have had so many ideas for blog posts burning in my brain for the past couple of months but I have been moving house, working on my dissertation and riding the ups and downs of my mental health problems, as a result it just hasn't happened.  I have been working on a blog post about my experiences of CAMHS and that has turned out to be a much larger task than I thought it would be but I hope to get it finished soon.

Anyway, the topic of this little blog post is managing the intense bouts of emotion that are associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I think it is really difficult to explain what this symptom of BPD is like to someone who has not experienced it themselves as everyone experiences emotion and everyone can get overwhelmed at times.  The way I try to explain it is 'normal' emotions times ten.  The most frustrating thing about it, well at least from my perspective, is that you can see what would be a more regular or rational emotional response yet you can't shift the intense bout of emotion that consumes you.  Even though it doesn't even seem possible, it can feel as though you are drowning in emotion, it consumes you - your every thought and your every feeling, you feel trapped in it.  On top of this, you worry you come across as a drama queen, over sensitive, a hot mess and someone who overreacts.  The truth is though that you simply just feel things more than others.  Experiencing the depths of emotion can be a source of great wisdom so let your emotion shine a light upon the world.

At the time though, experiencing an intense bout of emotion can feel incredibly all consuming and overwhelming.  It feels as though it is never going to end even though it always does.  When you're in the midst of it, you can become desperate for a form of release or relief from it and that can lead to destructive behaviours (it has for me in the past).  

I therefore want to share some little things that have helped me to manage these bouts of intense emotion in the hope that they may be useful to others.  Please bear in mind that I have never received any professional help for my Borderline Personality Disorder specifically so these are all things that I have picked up just from experience.

As I've said already, everyone can become very emotional and overwhelmed at times.  It's what makes us human at the end of the day.  So this blog post may be useful for anyone to keep in mind for the tough times.

The main piece of advice I want to share relates to my drawing at the beginning of the post.  Generally intense bouts of emotion or extreme mood swings only last for a few hours in the case of Borderline Personality Disorder but it certainly doesn't feel like that is going to be the case at the time.  For me, it is always this feeling of being trapped that feels most unbearable about it.  However, a saying that has always helped me to hold onto the fact that I will and I do come out the other side is 'It's just a passing shower'

I have always hated horrible rainy days.  I hate how rain makes going out seem so less appealing and how the absence of the sun, as it hides behind grey clouds, instantly puts a bit of a downer on the day which you have to lift yourself out of.  Even as a little kid though and even if it really did pour down the whole day, I would always think to myself that it was 'just a passing shower'.  Somehow it didn't seem quite as miserable that way because it was going to pass and it would, eventually.  

Perhaps that was the little optimist in me that never got enough of a look in sometimes.

In the same way, I always try to look at my intense bouts of emotion as 'just passing showers'.  That's not to play them down, it's hard, it's overwhelming, just like you might get completely soaked through by the rain.  You might not be able to get on with all your plans, you might not be able to do the things you want to, just like when it's raining.  However, somehow just holding onto the idea that whatever despairing pain might consume you, it will come to pass, can make such a vital difference.  The rain always stops (well depending on where you live, perhaps English weather isn't so bad after all!) and the sun comes out.  That passing shower can make you appreciate the sunshine all the more.  

It was just a bad day, not a bad life.

If you hold onto your good moments - the moments where you feel free, those are the moments that will define you, not the passing showers.

Without those passing showers, I don't think the sunshine would appear so bright.

How do you cope with that passing shower?  That question still remains...

It's not easy but sometimes you just have to give yourself permission to feel.
Emotion is not a bad thing at all and sometimes I think it's more the effort of holding it in that leads to destructive behaviours as you have no other way to express it.
So in the words of Frozen: 'Let it go! Let it go! Don't hold it back anymore...'

It is important to keep yourself safe, which can be difficult when inside you feel anything but safe.
For me, sometimes this means just staying in and waiting for the storm to pass.
I can become really impulsive which means it is safer for me to stay in one place.
When the storm begins to pass though or if you feel safe to do so, it can be really helpful to get out and get some fresh air.
This could be as simple as taking a walk around the block or just sitting outside in the garden but sometimes it can be comforting to see that the world simply carries on spinning even when you feel trapped and stagnant.
I find walking one of the most helpful activities at times.  I almost have the idea of 'walking the emotion out of me'.  With every step, I release a little bit.

  

Use any safe way you can to express and release
All the time you are attempting to express and release emotion in safe ways is time in which you are not using destructive behaviours.

For me, my means of express is often art.  I am lucky in the sense that no matter how consumed and overwhelmed I feel and no matter how much my functioning ceases, art is the one thing I can always manage to do.  I can pour my emotions into a drawing.  It can feel like a real achievement when you look back and realise that you were able to channel the inner turmoil you experienced into something creative and constructive.  Maybe your experiences can even offer insight to others in that way.

Art might not be your thing though.  My point is just use any means you can to express and release.  A lot of people find writing really therapeutic but I for one would struggle to even put together a sentence when in the depths of an intense bouts of emotion.  It doesn't have to be coherent or even legible though.  You could just scribble some random words on a page, anything, even just scribbles.  Doing a really simple but repetitive task can help.  I've found knitting has worked for me in the past!  Colouring in a simple pattern can work wonders.  I personally love colouring, you are never too old! You're also never too old to hug a teddy so reach out for whatever brings you comfort.

I hope that these suggestions help you in some way whether you suffer from BPD or just feel a bit stuck, lost and overwhelmed, as we all do at times.
The thing to remember is that these feelings come to pass, just like a passing shower.
Even if it is hard to think about at the time, the sun will come out again and there will be brighter times to come.

Never think of yourself as weak for feeling intensely.  To feel is wisdom and intelligence, it builds empathy towards others.  When I got down about it and worried about what other people thought about me, a friend shared this with me and it made so much sense.
Bear these words in mind when you feel like an overreacting drama queen...

Love and Strength,

The One Day Seeker