Anorexia Recovery: write a Letter to your Eating Disorder

There's only so much order you can conjure to hide the chaos

If you've read some of my previous blog posts, you will know that amongst other mental health problems, I suffer from Anorexia Nervosa.

Anorexia came into my life at the age of seven and ever since it has been quite a battle.  I am twenty-three now, so the reality is that I have been suffering from this very cruel illness for sixteen years.

While I don't claim to be recovered in any shape or form, I would say that my eating disorder has less of an impact on my physical health than it has done in the past.  I'm sad to say that in my early teens, it got to the point where my organs were beginning to shut down.  It scares me to think how close Anorexia got to taking my life.  

It is important to remember that Anorexia is a mental illness, while a person's body may be showing signs of some physical recovery, the battle going on inside can tell quite a different story.

This is certainly the case for me.

Earlier this year, I went through a prolonged bout of very severe continuous restriction.  I always battle with an eating disorder voice which tells me: "If you just start to get on top of things again, then everything in your life will get better.  It will be like the good old days again."

On reflection, I can see that all that I ever achieved by listening to that voice was making myself ill and standing to lose every good thing that I had created for myself in my life.  

Those so-called 'good old days' were anything but!

Part of what really motivated me to lift myself out of that bout of restriction was writing a letter to my eating disorder to remind me of all the awful ways in which Anorexia has affected my life.  Eating Disorders can feed you so many illusions so it can feel incredibly empowering to muster up the strength to shout back at that negative voice that feeds you lies.

I haven't won the battle yet but the fact that I had the strength to write this letter gives me hope that: 

One day I will.

And you will.

I thought that I would share my letter with you in attempt to try to inspire other eating disorder sufferers to do the same.

Dear Anorexia,

I really don't have the words to tell you just how much you've attempted to ruin my life but let me tell you now, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction to think you have.  There's only one loser in all of this and the loser is you!

I was seven years old when you edged your way into my life.  I developed Anorexia before I was old enough to know what it was.  I sat in that room, engulfed by the misery that had become my alcoholic father and depressed mother's relationship and realised that the only thing I could control amidst the chaos was the amount of dinner I ate.  In that moment, never did I say that I wanted this long, torturous battle, to lose my ability to have children and to loathe every part of myself.  I never meant for you to take over so much of my life and I think the saddest thing was that I didn't know you were doing it.

You deprived me of everything and fed me a lie.  You indoctrinated me with an illusion that if I listened to you, everything would be perfect.  You offered me a sick high where I felt like I could take on anything but the truth was, I had become almost invisible.  You nearly killed me and what's worse - you made me want to die for you, when I was young and had so much to live for.  You sucked every bit of life out of me and even that didn't satisfy you.  You convinced me that I loved the skeleton I saw.  You consumed me with so much denial that I was blind to the damage you had caused me.  You drained me of emotion - made me numb.  Everything I did, I did to please you.  Nothing would have ever been enough for you though.  You wouldn't have even been happy if you killed me because you got a thrill out of keeping me in an existence that was barely an existence at all.

You took me in when I was so young that much of what you told me to do became second nature.  I didn't even realise I was doing it.  Later I blamed myself for the damage I caused to myself and others around me but really, I should have placed the blame on you.

I thought you'd be shouting at me now as I write this but I can hear that I've silenced you.  You're losing your grip on me.  

You try to catch me when I'm most vulnerable, you pretend to offer me comfort but all you do is isolate me away from everything that matters.  You offer me your hand to help me out of the chaos that surrounds me but the illusion you offer me is no escape.  The hand I so weakly take time and time again becomes a strong grip as soon as I touch it and even when I can see what you're doing to me, leaving you becomes the hardest thing.

It can be so easy to become angry with the system and I don't think my anger is completely misplaced.  They treat the physical symptoms you give me but that doesn't make you shout any less.  Despite the fact that I may be more willing than ever before to engage with treatment and get rid of you for good, they turn me away because I'm not 'skinny' enough, reinforcing every thought that you try to destroy my soul with.  There are flaws in the system but those I can't change.  I realise now that I've misplaced too much of my anger when really it should be directed at you.  The real problem is between me and you, it always has been and only I can truly change that.

You block me off from every ounce of positivity conceivable.  You punish me more than I already punish myself.  You make me think I look disgusting every day of my life and as much as I hate you for everything you've done to me, for some be-known reason I actually feel sorry for you.  

I suppose someone has to...

Let me help you out with something though, you don't have to try to ruin my life anymore because I am never going to let you.  Don't you think for one minute that any of your pitiful attempts to seize complete control over me again are a sign that you're winning, you're just holding off the inevitable.  The only one who is going to lose in all of this is you and when you do, I'll be doing us both a favour.  You have no place in my life, you never have.  No matter how hard you tried to get close to me, you were always a stranger and a stranger you will stay.

My life is worth a damn sight more than the feeble illusion that you try to deceive me with.

You're the weak one, not me!  Do yourself a favour and get the hell out of my life while you still have a choice.

So that's my letter!

When I was typing it up just now, I was surprised by the amount of assertion I used as I don't think I've ever appeared particularly assertive in person.  I suppose my eating disorder is a topic that conjures up some strong emotions inside me and rightly so.

If you are suffering from an eating disorder, I would really encourage you to try the letter writing idea.  I always find letter writing in general quite therapeutic but personally I found this task particularly empowering compared to all other letters I have written in the past.

Find your voice and tell your eating disorder that there is far more to you and your life than the cruel words it tries to deceive you with.

Much love and strength,

The One Day Seeker