Navigating and Overcoming Suicidal Thoughts as a DID System

I begin this hugely delayed blog post with a snapshot of the goings on in my mind, depicted by my many doodles.

I doodle everyday.

Correction - some parts of my system doodle everyday.

My reason for sharing this is that I want to show how it is possible for your mind to be in so many places at once - a notion that I feel offers a brief insight into what it is like to have 

Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I explained my absence a little on Facebook and Instagram, but in short, I haven't been in a very good place recently.

It has always been my intention make this blog a space where I can share remotely meaningful and/or helpful content, and for a while I didn't feel like there was any piece of positivity or advice within me to attempt to share with others as I felt so lost myself.

However, as I started to come out the other side of whatever dark haze it was that temporarily plagued my existence, I realised that perhaps I could achieve something by writing about my recent experiences and what I've learnt from them.

I've never come across any information about what it is like to experience suicidal thoughts and ideation as a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder, perhaps if there was something out there,
I wouldn't have felt so lost and alone.

I thought maybe, just maybe, I could attempt to fill this gap for someone else.

Confusion and Suicidal Thoughts

I think it is quite common to experience some degree of confusion when experiencing suicidal thoughts, and to have quite mixed feelings about the idea of ending your life.

After all, it is so final - the end of all decisions.

At times you might see ending your life as your only option (it never is) and at others you might be longing to find something to live for because you don't want to die.

I believe it is possible to not want to live, but at the same time not want to die.

Suicidal thoughts tend to surface when you are finding your current existence unbearable and can't see a way out.  You want that unbearable existence and suffering to end, and not being alive becomes the only alternative.

What I want to say is that it's okay to be confused - mental illness is confusing at best of times, and as controversial as it may sound, it is okay to be suicidal, but that's not to say that ending your life is an okay thing to do in any way, shape, or form - you may not be able to see it right now, but there is always another way.  Things can and will get better.

I previously wrote a blog post titled:

'A Few Words on Suicide and Why to Stick with Life Even When it Doesn't Seem to Make Sense' 

Dissociative Identity Disorder and Suicidal Thoughts = Confusion Multiplied

With DID the whole idea of a part of you wanting to die and a part of you wanting to live is so much more concrete, the confusion therefore exacerbated.

When separate parts of your identity hold such extreme, contrasting desires, I believe it is the greatest type of inner conflict you can face.  It really is a matter of life and death.

From experience, I've discovered that it is possible for some parts of you to be pretty excited by life and everything in it, while others are obsessed with ideas of ending your life.  

My Experience / My Existential Crisis...

In order to try to explain how suicidal thinking can play out within a DID system, I will share a little of my experiences.

Previously, in the lead up to the crisis that resulted in my one and only inpatient admission, I found myself on numerous occasions making 'near suicide attempts'.

One of these involved me suddenly finding myself on the top of a bridge in the middle of the night, with absolutely no memory of how I'd got there.  I scared myself silly to say the least, I got down and walked straight back home, the whole time hearing this angry voice in my head shrieking at me that I shouldn't be here, I should have jumped.

Bearing in mind that at this time in my life I did not know I had Dissociative Identity Disorder.
In fact I had never even heard of DID, I just had my life and my experiences, experiences I felt that other people struggled to understand.

These repeated 'near suicide attempts' made me feel completely out of control - I felt as though I no longer had control over my existence.

Suicide didn't even seem like a choice anymore.

I remember explaining to people that I actually wanted to live, but I saw my forecoming death as inevitable and something I had no control over.

They didn't get it, but now I think I do...

In recent weeks, I guess you could say that my system faced a bit of an existential crisis.
There were lots of factors that lead up to it, but one that was quite significant was that it has been the 'anniversary' of my time in hospital - something I regard as a trauma in many ways, and as a result, I am always on the look out for the slightest sign that I may be heading in that direction again.
In previous years, this 'anniversary' has represented a sort of positive milestone, in which I am able to reflect on just how far I've come.  However, this year, with all the distress that has been going on within my system, it felt like anything but a celebratory moment.  In fact, I was terrified that I might be heading back to that dark place.
During this time, two parts of me were experiencing quite intense and persistent suicidal thoughts.
All these thoughts seemed to be racing through my head, and when I was momentarily back and able to attempt to take stock of the situation, I was left terrified out of my mind because the reality was that I actually really did not want to die.
The whole idea felt completely alien and ludicrous to me - it was so far away from anything I wanted, and yet I couldn't shift it because these thoughts were so strong for those two other parts of my system.
One minute (when I was around) I felt as though I might be okay and maybe I was making a big fuss about nothing.
The next (when I was aware of the intentions of other parts),  I felt in complete crisis, and I was so scared that I would end up doing something tragic without actually wanting to.

How to get through it...
During this time, I was so desperate to just feel okay again - for my system to just feel fairly settled again.
I wasn't striving for perfection, just our version of normality.
With all the switching that was going on and with some parts around that usually take more of a backseat, it was a very confusing time to say the least, and I was desperate for it to end.
It didn't happen overnight.
We rose out of it gradually, but it did pass, even though at times I thought it never would.
We have started to find our version of normality again.

Communication is key

I would say that this is the case with mental illness in general, not just if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts within Dissociative Identity Disorder.
When you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, it is easy to fall into the trap of feeling selfish, ashamed even, and that often makes it feel more difficult to tell others what you are experiencing.
The truth is that when experiencing suicidal thoughts, that is the most important time for you to talk to others and reach out for help.
You might make people worried and upset for a little while, but not nearly as upset as they would be to later discover that you were going through such a tough time alone.
When I was in that difficult place, another part was in the mix who causes me to become even more withdrawn and disconnected from the world around me - I felt unworthy of help and reluctant to try to explain to others what was going on.
I think that's how a lot of people can start feeling when experiencing suicidal thoughts.
It is important to fight this urge to shut down though - everybody needs and deserves help at one point or another.
So, I told a friend a bit about what was going on for me, and she encouraged me to contact my therapist.
A long email later and a helpful reply - I may have still been in a bad place, but I no longer felt alone in it, and that can count for so much when you feel as though your world is collapsing around you.

Inner Communication is key

With DID, communication goes a bit further than simply attempting to tell others how you are feeling.  On top of that, it is important to communicate inwardly with your system, in order to try to establish why you are feeling this way, and with a view to settling things down again.
I have previously written a blog post about inner communication, which can be found here.
When your mind is so chaotic, it can be difficult to achieve clear communication, but the main thing is to keep trying, you can and will get there in the end.
Through these attempts to communicate with my system, I developed a greater awareness of what was going on, and that awareness and understanding took away some of the fear.
In the end, I discovered that the issue with my 11-13 year old part was that she wasn't feeling listened to and also as though her views were not being taken seriously - this linked to past situations in childhood when she did not feel listened to, and that lead her to become suicidal as she felt so insignificant.  Since I've made time to listen to, her confidence is growing that she will continue to be listened to, and her suicidal thoughts have withered away.
My 18 year old part came into the mix more because of the high levels of distress within the rest of the system.  He has always had to hold onto a get out plan, and memories of hospital were in the mix.
It turned out though that what he wanted more than anything was to simply feel better, and be able to take a backseat again.
He has since felt able to take that backseat on life that he finds more comfortable.
On top of all this, I was also, and still am, physically unwell - nothing major, just a very long reining and unpleasant virus that I hope will be on its way out soon!
Feeling physically unwell, causes a lot of internal distress for some younger parts of my system because, as I believe I've mentioned before on here, being ill forms the context of one of the incidents where I was sexually abused as a child.  Being ill therefore heightens my system's distress levels.

Don't shy away from the issue even if you're scared

Within inner communication, it is important to be prepared to listen to whatever the other parts of you have to say, even if that feels scary or difficult to hear.
When different parts of me were sharing suicidal thoughts and images with me, my instinct was to run away from them and shut them out as it scared me so much - as I've said those thoughts and images were so far away from anything I personally wanted.
However, shutting things out tends only to make them stronger and plus only serves to widen the break down in communication - for my 11-13 year old part for example, shutting out her thoughts and troubles only served as evidence to her that she wasn't being listened to.
I suppose that when it comes to suicidal thoughts and ideation in general, there is a tendency to shy away from discussing the specific details out of fear that you may trigger someone, or that it will make it more likely to go ahead with such plans.
These fears have been going through my mind while writing this blog.
However, I've come to see that actually it has quite the opposite effect.
My therapist has always encouraged me to share with her the specifics of what I or other parts of me are thinking of doing.  And actually what it ended up illustrating to me was that she wasn't scared of it, she wasn't shying away from it, and so I shouldn't either.
It is the same when communicating with other parts of my system, once I have taken in what they are thinking and saying, they are satisfied that I have taken their concerns on board, and those intrusive thoughts and images lose their intensity.  You can then start to get to the bottom of why they feel that way and how you can work together to get through it.

Focus less on the what but more on the why

Following on from not shying away from suicidal thoughts and images, once you have faced such thoughts and accept that is what is going on for that part, you can start to focus less on what they are thinking about and more on why they're thinking of that - what was the cause or the trigger?
You almost have to push past the dark, intrusive thoughts and images, in order to focus more on what they represent for that part of you.
Could you lead them to get certain wants and needs met another way that is not so destructive?
Feeling as though you have alternatives and options tends to lessen or even diminish suicidal thoughts.

DID could even save your life
My therapist has told me that having DID can actually be a positive when it comes to suicidal thoughts because it is highly unlikely that the whole person will want to die and so lessens the likelihood of something actually happening.
That's not to say that having DID and parts of you experiencing suicidal thoughts is any less terrifying and difficult to deal with.
However, I think it's important to remember that DID ultimately serves as a protective mechanism and came about in the interest of surviving and preserving life.
My therapist has also said that although parts of your system might feel quite intent on ending their life, when it comes down to it, another part of you who wants to live is likely to kick in at the crucial moment.  And actually, when I think about it, this is what has happened for me on every occasion.
I just wish it didn't have to come so close sometimes!
Also, it is likely that some parts of you will have a degree of care or understanding towards each other.  You can almost appeal to their compassion and remind them that ending their life would also mean ending the life of that other part of you they care about.
As much as experiencing such a extreme contrasts in thoughts and emotions can be incredibly overwhelming and bewildering, it is important to try to hold onto the confidence that although parts of your system may want to end life, there are other parts of you who would never let that happen.

I don't really know how close or relatable other people's experiences are to mine, but I hope nonetheless that what I have written has interested you, or helped you in some way.
As they say, storms don't last forever, and there will be better days to come, even if it doesn't feel like there will be right now.
You will find your way to simply be okay again.

Love and Strength,
The One Day Seeker