2016 - This was My Year...

This has now come to be a bit of a blogging tradition for me to list the significant events that have happened to me during the year...

2015 - This was My Year

2014 - This was My Year

As ever, I hope that sharing the key events that have happened in my life this year is helpful.

I actually found the process of looking through all my photos and putting the above collage together a really positive one - it made me reflect on just how many amazing memories I've made this year and how much I've achieved.

I hope it might inspire you to reflect on your year - the highs, the lows, the funny, the ugly...

So, here it is - this was my 2016...

So I began the year, having had a lot of 2015 dominated by having seizures.  

I had just received my diagnosis of Non-Epileptic Attack Disorder and was coming to terms with it.  Little did I know that my seizure in December 2015 was to be my last one, I haven't had one since - 2016 has been seizure free! :)

Through therapy I started to really shift my sense of over responsibility towards others, particularly certain family members.  

It felt like a real weight off my shoulders - I could focus more on my life more now.

I believe that my biggest transformation this year has been finally accepting and actually embracing that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.  

My experience of the symptoms of course has been there pretty much my whole life and I know it had been clear to my therapist for quite some time that this was what I was presenting with, but up until the beginning of this year I had been very shut off and dismissive of what I had been experiencing - I tried to suppress it and was deeply reluctant to express or talk about what was going on internally for me - it all felt too far off what 'normal' people experience.

However, I made a breakthrough in that for the first time ever I told my therapist what one of the little child voices inside me wanted to tell her and I didn't feel 'crazy' anymore, she understood and helped me to understand myself better.

That small exchange, opened up so many more - every part of me wanted to jump in at once and have their say for a while.

I no longer saw my dissociation and 'voices' as such a negative thing - those dissociative parts of me make me the person I am today.  

I learnt that if I worked with them rather than pushing them out, life could be a lot easier.

Embracing DID and all that comes with in has been the most life changing aspect of my year.

I went to my first ever fancy dress party and was Queen Elsa for the night!

A huge achievement as it really unsettles me to see people in costumes - I like people to look how they usually look!

I had a bit of a nightmare on the trains home and panicked but I was rescued so all good.

I had a cheese burger for the first time when I went out for a meal with my friends - food win!

Unfortunately I got food poisoning from it but I didn't let that put me off.

I sent a letter to one of my old school teachers, telling her how much she inspired me at a difficult time in my life and thanking her.

I had a bad reliving experience during therapy where I thought I could see my abuser's reflection in the window - it was terrifying but as ever, I got through it...

Invested in some essential oils that I could carry around with me and sniff to help ground me - 

it worked pretty well.

I wrote my first blog post about Dissociative Identity Disorder based upon my own experience and it was featured on the Time to Change Facebook page.

This brought more readers to my blog - in fact I was staggered to discover that the post had received over a thousand views in one day, as well as some kind messages of support.

I was so grateful and that day still stands out as the absolute highlight of my year.

I read and worked through a book that changed my life - Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation

I learnt so much from that book and more than anything it helped to normalise what I experience - sometimes when you read something you can really relate to in a book, it reminds you that you are not alone in your struggles.

I faced the greatly feared situation of being late to therapy for the first time due to an issue with the trains.

It resulted in me having a complete breakdown once I got there - I am extremely fearful of being late as I think that it will give the impression to the person I am supposed to be meeting that I don't respect them and then they will abandon me.

Obviously nothing like that happened and the whole incident helped me to overcome my issues with being late.

I started a scrapbook to express the personal discoveries I made visually - it has been really helpful to look back on.

I made an unwise decision to walk a long section of the Thames path when darkness was creeping it and the path was completely unlit in places.

I managed to find my way out unscathed eventually, but I was quite cross with my self - 

it made me realise how much I now value my personal safety.

I lost a friend to suicide :(

I've thought about her a lot this year.

But it also made me think about just how grateful I am to be here and to go on living.

I worked in therapy on developing safe place imagery and it has become such a go to tool.

I graduated with my masters degree.

I found the ceremony a bit of a challenge but I coped well and the occasion marked a real sense of achievement.

I had to take a year out of the course when my mental health deteriorated.

So it felt like an even greater achievement to reach the end of the course having overcome a great many personal barriers to get to that point, and with a Distinction - what a bonus!

I collapsed in therapy then switched fully to a younger part of me.

Apparently, I started playing with some toy horses I found in the room, I went for a walk round the park with my therapist and started to talk to a bird.

I was hugely embarrassed when I discovered what had happened but overtime I've learnt to accept that these type of experiences are a part of my condition and that I was with someone who understood what was happening.

Why should I feel embarrassed for being myself?

I spent lots of time in my favourite gardens in Chichester, soaking up some sun, smelling flowers and watching the seasons change.

I went on an amazing short break in Bath on my own.

I was quite anxious as I had not been away on my own for a couple of years and faced a few challenges but in the end I had such an amazing time.

It is a such a beautiful city.

A real highlight of the trip for me and the rest of my system was going to Prior Park landscaped gardens - it was like something out of a fairytale.

Started to come to terms with the realisation that I was sometimes drugged as a child before being sexually abused.

I decided to spend the three anniversary of the day that I was taken into hospital in crisis at 

Beachy Head!

Ironically, that was the place in which I had planned to take my life that day - original I know! (though I shouldn't laugh or make light of it)

It was quite a climb but marked such a journey - it was quite a breakthrough to go to a place that previously had such negative associations for me, but finding myself in such a different place mentally.

All I could think about was what an incredible view there was up there.

It is an experience that will stay in my mind for a long time - it was as though I found some peace with myself up there.

On the way out of one of many difficult therapy sessions, another part of me took over and I started banging my head against a wall - something I hadn't done since I was a toddler.

I really shocked myself and at the time I worried hugely that I had made my therapist cross with me but she was able to reassure me that I hadn't.

In fact I owe an awful lot of what I've achieved this year to my therapist :)

I spent yet another year in the job that I adore.

It has had its ups and downs this year but despite everything I value and enjoy the work I do with the children so much and I like to think that they value the support I give them.

The highlight of my year at work had to be supporting one of the students I work with in her final GCSE Art exam.

I had supported her for two years in all her art lessons, helped her with her coursework and the preparation for the final exam in which I had to sit back and watch the 'masterpiece' come to life.

I was so proud of what she was able to achieve and was all the more overjoyed when I found out that she achieved a C grade.  

To others this might not seem much of an achievement but for a girl with significant special educational needs and a visual impairment, who is struggling to even get a grade in any other subject, it meant so much and it meant a great deal to me to be part of the journey.

Unfortunately I have had a lot of trouble with my ears for most of this year - repeated middle ear infections, labyrinthitis, vertigo (very debilitating), Eustachian Tube Dysfunction, tinnitus. 

I've lost some of my hearing and it's still not completely clear why but I am now being seen by an ENT specialist so the right things are happening.

I've tried not to let these issues get my down or hold me back but it has been unpleasant to say the least.

I have been generally more emotional this year which is actually a really positive thing.  

I've previously been very shut off and phobic of some emotions, particularly of expressing them.

I've cried a lot more this year, generally on my own, I still struggling with expressing emotion in front of others but I'm working on it.  Nonetheless, I've realised that it is okay to cry.  In fact, quite often a good cry makes you feel better.

Thought we were going to lose our very old family cat on a number of occasion but the dinosaur lives on to the great age of 17 :)

I started a routine of doing some karate on the beach - just for me.

I have probably mentioned on my blog before that I previously trained in karate for many years, achieved my black belt and competed nationally and internationally.  However, it is entangled with a very difficult part of my life so it now produces mixed feelings.

I am pleased though that this year I have been able to do a little in a relaxed way and just for my own enjoyment.

I challenged myself to start having showers as opposed to baths this year - something I've previously found a huge struggle due to triggers.

I came up with a strategy and am now am able to shower pretty much worry free.

I went out with my friends for a meal last minute - usually I have to plan and prepare myself but I coped well with being a bit spontaneous and actually really enjoyed it.

I went on a lone trip to Oxford despite feeling unwell.

I also went on a trip to Cambridge in the summer.

I seemed to develop a bit of a liking for pretty city breaks this year but going on these lone adventures has really helped me - it has given me more confidence.

I feel I have got a little bolder and braver.

I had a bit of a frightening experience where I started hearing a voice (a dissociative part of me) at a train station telling me to jump in front of the next train that came along and kill myself.

I hadn't had any suicidal intrusions like this for a long time and I really scared myself.

The difference was that this time, I decided to remove myself from the situation and went for a walk - I felt like that walk saved my life and it proved to me that I can now keep myself safe even in the most difficult of times.

I fainted while out on my own in public and was attended to by the police and ambulance service.

It was on one of the hottest days of the year and it appeared I had suffered a very sudden attack of heat exhaustion.

I felt very embarrassed to one minute be crossing the road on the way to Primark and the next coming round in an ambulance with an ECG monitor on me.

However, amidst my haze, I know that a family of passers by stopped to help me and called the ambulance - I was reminded of the kindness of strangers.

I met a friend's boyfriend.

I have huge difficulties with being around and speaking to men due to past trauma but this was a positive experience and marked progress.

For the first time in my life, I phoned in sick at work.

That was a huge breakthrough.

Someone shouted 'YOU'RE FAT!' at me and although it panicked me initially, I didn't let it trigger my eating disorder.

I admitted that I had missed someone for the first time and they said it was okay to miss them -

that meant a lot to me.

Quite a few colleagues at work left at the end of the summer term - I struggle a lot with the idea of people leaving but in a way the experience gave me an opportunity to learn how to cope with it better.

I went on a camping holiday to the Norfolk coast with my family and some family friends.

I was still suffering from vertigo at the time but was determined to enjoy the trip.

We were so lucky with the weather - it was like being abroad and I absolutely fell in love with the beaches there - it is such a beautiful part of the world.  I would highly recommend!

I spent my 25th birthday having a day out at the zoo with my friends - it was something a bit different and took my mind off reaching a quarter of a century :o

My gorgeous little niece had her first birthday the day after mine.

She started walking this year and ever since has been dashing around everywhere.

I adore her.

My stepdad treated me to a trip to Primark with him - he previously had never made it through the door of Primark.

It was such a great experience!

I received a positive letter from my estranged father for once - it brought up a bit of a dilemma, but in the end I could appreciate that it was a nice letter to receive.

My mum's car got broken into one night.

Understandably it unsettled us all and I felt less safe in my home as a result.

Time settled those worries though.

I've dedicated a lot of time in the latter part of this year to making PhD applications.

This is a real big step for me but I'm incredibly excited about where it may lead and I feel ready for new challenges.

I got quite anxious about work at the beginning of the new school year, mainly because of a lot of changes being implemented.

However, a lot of those changes turned out to be for the better and I hit my stride again.

I became godmother to another one of my cousins.

A man tried to 'chat me up' in Hyde Park, which terrified me.

It was a situation that I felt completely unable to cope with, it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and trapped, but I was able to leave that situation and found power in that.

I began processing traumatic memories in therapy again through EMDR.

(I plan to write some blog posts on this)

I had taken quite a long break from processing in therapy in order to revisit some much needed safety and stabilisation work.

It did feel good though to be in a strong enough position to be able to face some of the most harrowing memories from my past with a view to finding a way to move forwards so these memories won't affect my life in the present so much.

The process is definitely in no way easy though - it has meant facing up to the reality of the very events that I have spent most of my life trying to avoid thinking about.

I have been working on what I consider to be the worst of my traumatic memories and I am not quite there yet with processing it fully but I have achieved far more than I ever imagined.

This has been the focus and main priority of my year but incidentally, it is probably the part of my life that people know the least about.

I climbed the sand dunes a number of times and found some peace up there.

To my horror, I also discovered some nudists up there on occasion.

I had my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosed revised as my care team agreed that I no longer fit the criteria - I was really pleased about this as it is horrible to have a label hanging over you that you don't feel accurately represents how you are.

I had a bit of chaotic and unsettling appointment with my psychiatrist to get there but I was pleased with the outcome nonetheless.

I hid behind a chair in therapy and then nearly climbed out the window (ground floor) to escape but I stuck with it even though little parts of me were frightened.

I shared some lemonade flavoured tic tacs with my therapist.

I had an encounter with an angry, aggressive and threatening parent at work - I was surprisingly calm and collected in the moment but struggled afterwards.  As ever, I settled back down and moved on from it though.

Got stuck on a broken down train for hours.

In fact, pretty much my whole year has involved being delayed, stranded at stations in the middle of nowhere, trains not running at all - thanks to Southern Rail!

I really hope the situation does improve in 2017 as it is so disruptive when you rely on trains to go everywhere.

I saw some of my family from Canada who I hadn't seen for over 15 years - it was really fun having them to stay.

It did mean that in one day I faced a lot of triggers though - I had to travel past two of the villages where I grew up and where a lot of the abuse occurred and go to many other childhood haunts which I had avoided for years.  

I managed.  I survived.

I had to endure first aid training for work run by a sexist pig of the man who was derogatory, excessively gory and made an inappropriate comment about my body in front of everybody - 

it was an occasion where dissociation was actually a blessing!

I enjoyed too many amazing walks out in nature than I could count - my walks got me through...

The funniest moment at work for me has to be when one of the young men I support told me that I'd much rather be wearing my interesting dress than his boring trousers!

I started attending some art workshops run by a mental health charity.

This was a big achievement for me as I really struggle with meeting groups of new people and also find it difficult to produce art in front of other people.

I am so glad I pushed myself to do it - it has been brilliant!

I told my stepmum about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.

She was very supportive, though understandably upset.  

Having people know who actually knew my abuser is a very new experience for me and overwhelming at times - it made it feel all the more real.

However, it also means that I don't have to face what happened completely alone and I am grateful for that.

Through therapy I understood better why I struggle mentally during physical illness.

I was invited to a postgraduate open day at Cambridge University and I had a really good time.

I found out more about the support I could be entitled if I was to be successful in my application.

It made me feel more confident about applying.  It all felt a bit more possible and I now really want to get in - fingers crossed for 2017.

I'm not so afraid of the dark anymore. :)

I had a bad anniversary reaction to a past trauma and it meant that a part of me was telling me not to go to work the following day as they believed that something bad would happen while I was there.  The 11-13 year old sent my therapist some texts about it, which were actually quite funny in places.  She talked to her on the phone as well and when I came back, I suddenly found myself sat on a part of the beach, holding my phone and hearing my therapist's voice with no idea how I got there. I knew that the only way I could overcome this irrational fear and prove to myself and that part that nothing bad would happen was to go to work and that's what I did.  

It wasn't easy but I did it and others helped me through.

I survived various encounters with some interesting characters when out on my adventures - 

I do seem to find them! 

I started to feel a bit more connected to my body - this is huge progress as I have previously been completely disconnected from it, to the extent that I would think of it more as 'a body' rather than mine.  This lead to having quite a few difficult but actually much needed body related conversations with my therapist.

Through all the processing I've achieved in therapy, the 6/7 year old part of me has gained more of a voice this year - she has been quite vocal about what she wants and needs to happen.  

This feels all the more significant and empowering considering I suffered from selective mutism at that age and was put into a number of traumatic situations that I had no say in.

In therapy I also took a black pen to a drawing I had done of the face of my abuser, scribbling it out and it felt good, it made me feel powerful!  It was quite a moment - that face wasn't going to scare me anymore.

I faced an unexpected, difficult situation at the end of one of my therapy sessions where my therapist was concerned that the details the CMHT had for my next of kin were my dad's but she needed to show me those details so I could confirm.  This instilled a sense of panic - I am not in contact with my dad at present and haven't been for years due to the trauma I suffered in his care growing up, his alcoholism and his aggressive, threatening and manipulative behaviour.  He was the last person I would ever want to be put down as a contact for me.  I knew full well that I had never given over his details myself and had in fact had signed forms blocking release of information to him.  It turned out that the only way the mental health team could have his details was that they were given over by him when I was under CAMHS.  It was not a situation I was expecting to face and I felt a little bit angry about it too.

In order to confirm the details, I had to hear my previous address - a house that is associated with a lot of trauma.  This resulted in me having a very intense flashback and feeling as though I was trapped inside that house - linking to a traumatic memory where I was held hostage.

That being said, that incident resolved itself very quickly, once my therapist took it upon herself to get the detail changed right away (it wasn't her fault).

I bounced back.

I tend to bounce back more quickly these days!

I looked at some childhood photos again - something I've felt unable to do for a long time.

I don't think of myself as 'disgusting' anymore - that is huge!

Coped with a relative staying who I find extremely triggering.

Experienced a nightmare 48 hours from hell.

Basically, it was to do with a woman who I did not know randomly messaging me on Facebook, expressing that she had concerns about how my dad treats women and asked if he had any serious mental health problems.  I am not in contact with my dad for reasons stated previously and the scenario hugely unsettled me - it brought back to me how he was and how it was to live with him for all those years.

I made a pretty disastrous attempt at going into work the next day to try and take my mind off it.

I roamed the coastline for hours, feeling unable to go home and got very cold.  My therapist called me and managed to persuade me to go home.

The woman then harassed me - sending me a load of disturbing messages about my dad in the middle of the night.

I made the decision to block the woman, but the block didn't work the first time and I received a load more messages saying that my dad had found out that she had messaged me and kept on saying that he wanted to KILL ME!

This caused me to go into a blind panic, felt very under threat and that at any moment he was going to get someone to find me and kill me.

However, I ran back into the mental health centre waiting room which is behind a locked door, felt safer there, managed to calm myself down and reminded myself that he couldn't hurt me now.

I blocked the woman again, reported the issue and it was all over.

It was a 48 hours that I would never like to repeat - it felt as though my world was thrown upside down.

Following my visit earlier in the year, I decided to return to Bath to visit the Christmas markets.

Unfortunately, the whole world and his wife had the same idea on the day I visited!  

The markets were ridiculously packed and I spent most of the day avoiding them.

I still had such a lovely day though - I found a lovely park to walk around and spontaneously sat and drew a picture of Pultney Bridge.

After reaching a year of being seizure free, having to fill in a mountain of forms, provide medical evidence and have a medical examination - I got my driver's license reinstated!

Coped with the last day at work before we broke up for Christmas better than ever before -
It is historically a difficult day for me due to it being an anniversary of a previous near suicide attempt.

The festive season has always been a very difficult time of year for me.
However, I felt more relaxed than I ever have done before in the lead up to Christmas and although I did struggle over Christmas Eve and here and there in between - it felt like progress - yet again this year, I was given hope that things really can get better.

I'm not one for the soppiness and sentimentality of New Year's Eve - in truth I find all that a bit odd.
What I do want to say that I hope you have gained something from reading the trials and tribulations of my life.
Looking back on all of this, I recognise and appreciate more the significant steps forwards I have made in my own recovery.
It really can get better, in ways that perhaps you never would have imagined...
I carry excitement into 2017 about many of the plans I hope to see realised over the next year.

More than anything, I wish you all a happy and healthy new year filled with peace and hope.
And thank you for all your support.

Love and Strength,
The One Day Seeker.