Having A People Clear Out!
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| Losing too much in the attempt to save another... |
This blog post might be better described as referring to toxic people but I wouldn't necessarily go that far. The truth is they are everywhere - people who are simply no good for us. They come in many different forms but they often have a number of characteristics in common - they are negative, they drag us down and hold us back, they might hurt us and make us think that is somehow alright, other people tell us that they are no good for us and it doesn't matter how many times we tell them that their behaviour is not helpful and that we are worried for them, they don't change. I think there comes a time in everyone's recovery, or just life in general, when you are going round in circles, playing the same well worn records and you know that, in order to move forwards, something is going to have to change, something big, or rather someone's got to give and this time it's not going to be you.
I found myself in that position a couple of years ago, during my now well documented crisis when my mental health deteriorated so considerably that it really had reached breaking point. When I started to lift myself out of that dark place and committed myself to living, I realised that if I was to move forwards with my life, I was going to have to make some really big changes, including cutting two significant people out my life for the forseeable future. One of those people happened to my dad but many who know me would say that cut was long over due! It was by far the biggest and hardest decision of my life but with hindsight I now see it as one of the best decisions I ever made in the interest of my recovery.
It is my hope that by sharing what I learnt from my personal journey with this that I will in turn help others who may face the situation of having the ultimate clear out and not their closet this time! As I am basing this upon my own personal experiences, I will not necessarily be referring to romantic relationships but I'm sure some of the same principles will apply.
It doesn't always have to be so extreme - often putting in a bit of distance can work.
This would definitely be my first point - cutting someone out of your life is quite an extreme decision, not to be taken lightly and actually isn't appropriate or necessary in a lot of cases. The action you choose to take really depends on the extent to which the person in question's behaviour is detrimental to you. The issue could be more minor. For example, the friend who always talks about weight loss in your presence knowing full well that you suffer from an eating disorder, someone who is always just generally negative, talks about themselves way too much, drinks that bit too much when you have issues around alcohol and you've talked to them multiple times about how their behaviour upsets you but it doesn't seem to make a difference. It will depend of course on how much their unhelpful behaviour upsets you but you might find in these kind of cases that just distancing yourself from that person may be enough. This might take shape in meeting up with them when in a big group of friends, rather than individually, and only in certain situations. You most probably won't even need to tell them that you are distancing yourself from them, it can happen gradually and often happens naturally with friendships. If the person is noticing that you are becoming more distant from them, I think the phrase 'I just feel I need to take a bit of time for myself at the moment' tends to work well, I have accepted and understood that when it has been said to me. Everyone needs space from time to time and if the person is unwilling to accept that then it is unlikely that they are going to make the cut in your life.
Be clear on why you're doing this
When the issues are more serious and irreconcilable and you are coming to the conclusion that you may need to cut all ties with that person in order to move forwards, it is important to think clearly about the reasons why you need to do this. It might sound a bit shallow but sometimes the most practical thing to do is to make a pros and cons list - what do you stand to gain and what do you stand to lose by having that person in your life.
In the case of my dad, my reasons were plentiful and almost endless. He had been an alcoholic my whole life, something that I haven't fully come to terms with but it affected my life in a huge way. I grew up thinking that my sole purpose in life was to save my dad and would make any sacrifice I possibly could to help him, ignoring all my own wants and needs. On top of this, he was emotionally and physically abusive towards me. It wasn't just me he treated like that. I watched him for years destroy my mother's life - put her down, isolated her, controlled her and threw wild ridiculous accusations at her. Once she finally left him, I then watched him do the same to my stepmum.
I came to realise over time though that there is only so many times you can tell someone to get help, stand by them and support them when they make yet another attempt to stop, only for them to enter into complete denial again, start drinking again and even blame you for the fact that they drink. There are only so many times you can hear the words 'I'll never drink again' before you stop believing them. Feeling as though I could make the situation better made me feel as though I had some control over it but in the end I realised that there was nothing I could do to stop my dad drinking and even if I could, it wouldn't work, if someone is going to change, ultimately, they need to do it for themselves. I had lost so much of myself in the fruitless effort to save him and after years of worrying endlessly about the same unchanging things, I finally decided that I wasn't going to waste anymore of my life waiting around for him to become the dad I needed.
In the case of my dad, my reasons were plentiful and almost endless. He had been an alcoholic my whole life, something that I haven't fully come to terms with but it affected my life in a huge way. I grew up thinking that my sole purpose in life was to save my dad and would make any sacrifice I possibly could to help him, ignoring all my own wants and needs. On top of this, he was emotionally and physically abusive towards me. It wasn't just me he treated like that. I watched him for years destroy my mother's life - put her down, isolated her, controlled her and threw wild ridiculous accusations at her. Once she finally left him, I then watched him do the same to my stepmum.
I came to realise over time though that there is only so many times you can tell someone to get help, stand by them and support them when they make yet another attempt to stop, only for them to enter into complete denial again, start drinking again and even blame you for the fact that they drink. There are only so many times you can hear the words 'I'll never drink again' before you stop believing them. Feeling as though I could make the situation better made me feel as though I had some control over it but in the end I realised that there was nothing I could do to stop my dad drinking and even if I could, it wouldn't work, if someone is going to change, ultimately, they need to do it for themselves. I had lost so much of myself in the fruitless effort to save him and after years of worrying endlessly about the same unchanging things, I finally decided that I wasn't going to waste anymore of my life waiting around for him to become the dad I needed.
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| Waiting around for tainted ideals... |
How to do it when talking doesn't seem to work
Telling someone that you don't want them in your life anymore isn't the easiest conversation to have and if the conversation is with a person with whom talking is not easy then it is all the more complicated! Perhaps you've even attempted to have that conversation with them and they just didn't get it...
Don't despair!
There are many other ways to get your message across that don't involve talking or even coming face to face with them. My method of choice is often good old fashioned letter writing - it comes across as being thoughtful and personal but you can put your points across clearly without the complication of someone speaking back!
Being family doesn't excuse their behaviour!
For years I knew that I would be better off with my dad not in my life but one of the things that stopped me was the simple fact that he was my family and in my mind, family don't give up on eachother. However, I came to the conclusion that always being there to pick up the pieces and catching him when he fell, wasn't helping him, it was just protecting him from facing the full reality of his problems.
In any case, family are defined by how they behave and relate to one another.
My dad wasn't behaving like a parent, the roles were reversed and my entire life had been consumed by meeting his needs. There is not some written law that you have to keep your parents in your life just because they are your parent, being a family member doesn't excuse their behaviour, in fact it makes it all the more inexcusable.
You might have to take a risk but your life is worth the risk!
There is always the uncertainty of how the other person is going to react but at the end of the day, we are only responsible for our own behaviour.
In my case, cutting out my dad felt like an absolutely huge risk! If I ever told him that I couldn't deal with his mess anymore and needed to distance myself from him to focus on my own wellbeing then he would threaten to kill himself and took an overdose on occasion. This made me feel completely trapped but I eventually realised that was why he did it - to trap and manipulate me.
In order to get myself in a place where I could take the space away from him that I needed, I had to convince myself that if I did go ahead, cut him out my life and then he did in fact take his own life, it wouldn't be my fault, or that I would simply have to get on and live my life as best I could.
Needless to say, he didn't take his own life!
I've come to realise now that people who try to control us will often go to great lengths to hold onto that control and however that effort may take shape, it is not our fault, it is based upon their own issues and not ours.
I realise as well that my dad's behaviour was probably quite extreme!
I sincerely hope that nobody else has to face such an ordeal but what I want to get across is that if you have decided that the best thing for you is to not have a certain person in your life, don't let the fear of how they might react stop you from striving forwards for what's best for you.
Sometimes it helps to plan for the worst case scenario then it can only turn out better than that!
Stick to your guns even when the going gets tough!
And believe me it can get really tough...
Even if the other person appears to accept your decision and says they will give you the space you need, what they say and what they actually do can be two very different things.
Whether it's bombarding you with desperate messages on your phone, calling you in the middle of the night, turning up at your house, or even getting other people to check up on you on their behalf - it can feel as though they would do absolutely anything to get you back and when you are feeling quite vulnerable yourself, this can be hard to resist.
The main advice I would give you is to do everything in your power to stand by your decision and stop them contacting you. Changing your phone number could be an option - I personally didn't have to do this but I did find out online how to block all calls and messages from my dad's phone number and that made it a lot easier - there is a degree of out of sight out of mind. My no contact stance was also made easier when my dad moved abroad - I believe the distance helped both of us in the end!
However, the situation with my dad was so bad that if I had to take legal action to stop him contacting me, I had reached a point that I would have done.
I found that at times where it became really tough, it helped to remind myself of all the reasons why I was doing this - that's where having a list of reasons can come in useful!
Things might not get better straight away.
You make this huge monumental decision that you are confident will improve your life, you build yourself up, take action and then the aftermath can feel very much like an anti-climax - you can find yourself thinking - so, when are things actually going to get better then?
You might even doubt whether you've made the right decision - time to pull out that list of reasons again!
Telling someone that you don't want them in your life anymore isn't the easiest conversation to have and if the conversation is with a person with whom talking is not easy then it is all the more complicated! Perhaps you've even attempted to have that conversation with them and they just didn't get it...
Don't despair!
There are many other ways to get your message across that don't involve talking or even coming face to face with them. My method of choice is often good old fashioned letter writing - it comes across as being thoughtful and personal but you can put your points across clearly without the complication of someone speaking back!
Being family doesn't excuse their behaviour!
For years I knew that I would be better off with my dad not in my life but one of the things that stopped me was the simple fact that he was my family and in my mind, family don't give up on eachother. However, I came to the conclusion that always being there to pick up the pieces and catching him when he fell, wasn't helping him, it was just protecting him from facing the full reality of his problems.
In any case, family are defined by how they behave and relate to one another.
My dad wasn't behaving like a parent, the roles were reversed and my entire life had been consumed by meeting his needs. There is not some written law that you have to keep your parents in your life just because they are your parent, being a family member doesn't excuse their behaviour, in fact it makes it all the more inexcusable.
You might have to take a risk but your life is worth the risk!
There is always the uncertainty of how the other person is going to react but at the end of the day, we are only responsible for our own behaviour.
In my case, cutting out my dad felt like an absolutely huge risk! If I ever told him that I couldn't deal with his mess anymore and needed to distance myself from him to focus on my own wellbeing then he would threaten to kill himself and took an overdose on occasion. This made me feel completely trapped but I eventually realised that was why he did it - to trap and manipulate me.
In order to get myself in a place where I could take the space away from him that I needed, I had to convince myself that if I did go ahead, cut him out my life and then he did in fact take his own life, it wouldn't be my fault, or that I would simply have to get on and live my life as best I could.
Needless to say, he didn't take his own life!
I've come to realise now that people who try to control us will often go to great lengths to hold onto that control and however that effort may take shape, it is not our fault, it is based upon their own issues and not ours.
I realise as well that my dad's behaviour was probably quite extreme!
I sincerely hope that nobody else has to face such an ordeal but what I want to get across is that if you have decided that the best thing for you is to not have a certain person in your life, don't let the fear of how they might react stop you from striving forwards for what's best for you.
Sometimes it helps to plan for the worst case scenario then it can only turn out better than that!
Stick to your guns even when the going gets tough!
And believe me it can get really tough...
Even if the other person appears to accept your decision and says they will give you the space you need, what they say and what they actually do can be two very different things.
Whether it's bombarding you with desperate messages on your phone, calling you in the middle of the night, turning up at your house, or even getting other people to check up on you on their behalf - it can feel as though they would do absolutely anything to get you back and when you are feeling quite vulnerable yourself, this can be hard to resist.
The main advice I would give you is to do everything in your power to stand by your decision and stop them contacting you. Changing your phone number could be an option - I personally didn't have to do this but I did find out online how to block all calls and messages from my dad's phone number and that made it a lot easier - there is a degree of out of sight out of mind. My no contact stance was also made easier when my dad moved abroad - I believe the distance helped both of us in the end!
However, the situation with my dad was so bad that if I had to take legal action to stop him contacting me, I had reached a point that I would have done.
I found that at times where it became really tough, it helped to remind myself of all the reasons why I was doing this - that's where having a list of reasons can come in useful!
Things might not get better straight away.
You make this huge monumental decision that you are confident will improve your life, you build yourself up, take action and then the aftermath can feel very much like an anti-climax - you can find yourself thinking - so, when are things actually going to get better then?
You might even doubt whether you've made the right decision - time to pull out that list of reasons again!
The truth is that any big change takes time to adjust to.
When I first cut all contact with my dad, I actually felt a lot worse for it to begin with it - I felt guilty, I worried and thought about him far more than when I was in contact with him and I really missed him even though I couldn't understand what was there to miss.
With hindsight, I can now understand more of what was going on - caring for and worrying about my dad formed a huge part of my everyday existence - it was my normality. In fact there were plenty of times when I actually missed seeing him drunk because sadly that was normal for me, it was familiar and I felt lost with that huge, albeit very negative and destructive, part of my life gone.
I found those feelings very frustrating but they did pass eventually.
All I can say is that it really does just take time.
You have to rebuild your life apart from that person and that can be scary but it can also be very exciting and empowering too.
I think you just have to trust in yourself that you made the best decision for you, even though it may not feel like it straight away, you will reap the benefits in the end.
It was only once I cut ties with my dad that I realised what a hold and influence he had over me -
he had left such a significant imprint on how I perceived myself, my opinions and how I perceived others. For a long time I would find myself behaving in a certain way out of fear of what my dad might think even though he wasn't around.
The person may be gone but there influence can linger an awful lot longer.
Because I suffered a number of traumas over the years while in the care of my dad and those traumatic memories are not yet processed, I would say that I still haven't really come to terms with the actual experience of having my dad in my life for 22 years, but he definitely doesn't have the hold over me that he used to.
Over time I feel as though I have become more and more my own person, with my own opinions and ambitions. More than anything, I am able to put myself first when I need to - something I could scarcely even consider before. I feel far freer than I ever have done and sometimes when I reflect back on what my life was like with my dad in it, I am so grateful that my life now is so very far away from that. I now see the decision as being one of the best decisions I ever made in the interest of my recovery - it sounds harsh but the reality is that my life is better without my dad in it.
So hold on, it's tough, but you will create a life for yourself and it will start feeling like the right decision.
Put yourself first!
In my opinion, this is the greatest lesson to be learnt in context with this topic.
Any decision you make about whether you have contact with a person or not should be made holding yourself to be the most important person in all of this - sometimes we all have to be a bit selfish from time to time.
I had to remind myself of this again recently...
Although my dad and I have had no contact as such for the past three years, in the past couple of years we have stretched this a little to a letter at our birthdays and Christmas time! I feel overall it is the right amount of contact for now and often it has taken half the year to recover from his letter as he will usually just churn out the same old bitter twisted nonsense. I suppose we all move forwards in our lives at our own pace - I felt like I had moved forwards a lot where as it felt like he was still going on about the exact same things he was two years ago! Anyway, the dreaded letter arrived a few days after my birthday this year, I braced myself but its contents completely took me by surprise...
The tone was completely different - it was positive! Everything about the letter was completely different. He said he had got help, hadn't had a drink for over a year, he said that he was sorry, he said that he was a changed person, he said that he desperately wanted me to contact him and to build a father daughter relationship like never before... and I very nearly picked up the phone and called him straightaway! Then came a whole host of emotions - I was happy, I was proud of him, I missed him, I was worried if I didn't contact him he would start drinking again, I was sceptical about whether he actually had changed, I was angry - after all these years he finally gets himself sorted and expects to be able to waltz back into my life and for me to be ready and waiting for him!
Ultimately, once I gave myself the chance to think about it, I realised that if I was to get back in contact with my dad, it would have to be for the right reasons and being worried about what might happen if I didn't wasn't the right reason. I concluded that I wasn't ready yet - I'm not in a place in my own recovery where I would be able to cope with it, I would find myself falling back into the same unhealthy behaviour patterns and that wouldn't be good for either of us. It was so hard but as my (amazing) therapist told me, 'If he really has changed then he'll accept it and wait for you' and actually being strong enough to say 'No! I'm sorry but I don't want this in my life right now!' was the most empowering thing to come from all of this.
Remember you are always the most important person in whatever you decide is right for your life so put yourself first.
It doesn't always have to be forever and it doesn't mean you don't love or care about them.
As I touched upon at the beginning, having a people clear out doesn't always have to be a forever situation - perhaps it could be like putting your summer clothes into storage for the winter.
I did also mention briefly at the beginning of this blog post that I did decide to cut two significant people out my life - the other one, which I haven't really spoken about, it was pretty much a forever decision and that still feels right. With my dad, however, in spite of everything, I have always said that the situation would not be forever and I still stand by that. If you do consider trying to re-build a relationship with a person you had previously 'cleared out', I think it is important that the relationship is on your terms and is managed in a way that suits you. I know I am not in a strong enough place to be able to achieve this with my dad yet but it is what I aspire to have further along the line.
I don't think you can expect it to be perfect either, what relationships are? You have to be realistic in your expectations - I personally have always had in mind that I would have quite a minimal, distant relationship with my dad in which I would be able to show care for him but at the same time have clear boundaries.
Having a people clear out sounds so harsh and definite but it doesn't mean that you don't love or care for them, it means that you are no longer going to allow them to have a negative impact on your life and sometimes that in turn does them a favour too!
In spite of everything that has happened, I still love my dad and I always will, but I know that I could never be the one to save him, only he could do that, and I've got my own life to lead too.
I know that I have shared a lot in this blog post about my own personal experience with my dad but I really hope that some of the things I've written about could be related or applied to other scenarios.
Sometimes you have to make a lot of changes or take risks to grab hold of your own life and be the leading lady (or man) that everyone deserves to be.
Love and Strength,
The One Day Seeker
When I first cut all contact with my dad, I actually felt a lot worse for it to begin with it - I felt guilty, I worried and thought about him far more than when I was in contact with him and I really missed him even though I couldn't understand what was there to miss.
With hindsight, I can now understand more of what was going on - caring for and worrying about my dad formed a huge part of my everyday existence - it was my normality. In fact there were plenty of times when I actually missed seeing him drunk because sadly that was normal for me, it was familiar and I felt lost with that huge, albeit very negative and destructive, part of my life gone.
I found those feelings very frustrating but they did pass eventually.
All I can say is that it really does just take time.
You have to rebuild your life apart from that person and that can be scary but it can also be very exciting and empowering too.
I think you just have to trust in yourself that you made the best decision for you, even though it may not feel like it straight away, you will reap the benefits in the end.
It was only once I cut ties with my dad that I realised what a hold and influence he had over me -
he had left such a significant imprint on how I perceived myself, my opinions and how I perceived others. For a long time I would find myself behaving in a certain way out of fear of what my dad might think even though he wasn't around.
The person may be gone but there influence can linger an awful lot longer.
Because I suffered a number of traumas over the years while in the care of my dad and those traumatic memories are not yet processed, I would say that I still haven't really come to terms with the actual experience of having my dad in my life for 22 years, but he definitely doesn't have the hold over me that he used to.
Over time I feel as though I have become more and more my own person, with my own opinions and ambitions. More than anything, I am able to put myself first when I need to - something I could scarcely even consider before. I feel far freer than I ever have done and sometimes when I reflect back on what my life was like with my dad in it, I am so grateful that my life now is so very far away from that. I now see the decision as being one of the best decisions I ever made in the interest of my recovery - it sounds harsh but the reality is that my life is better without my dad in it.
So hold on, it's tough, but you will create a life for yourself and it will start feeling like the right decision.
Put yourself first!
In my opinion, this is the greatest lesson to be learnt in context with this topic.
Any decision you make about whether you have contact with a person or not should be made holding yourself to be the most important person in all of this - sometimes we all have to be a bit selfish from time to time.
I had to remind myself of this again recently...
Although my dad and I have had no contact as such for the past three years, in the past couple of years we have stretched this a little to a letter at our birthdays and Christmas time! I feel overall it is the right amount of contact for now and often it has taken half the year to recover from his letter as he will usually just churn out the same old bitter twisted nonsense. I suppose we all move forwards in our lives at our own pace - I felt like I had moved forwards a lot where as it felt like he was still going on about the exact same things he was two years ago! Anyway, the dreaded letter arrived a few days after my birthday this year, I braced myself but its contents completely took me by surprise...
The tone was completely different - it was positive! Everything about the letter was completely different. He said he had got help, hadn't had a drink for over a year, he said that he was sorry, he said that he was a changed person, he said that he desperately wanted me to contact him and to build a father daughter relationship like never before... and I very nearly picked up the phone and called him straightaway! Then came a whole host of emotions - I was happy, I was proud of him, I missed him, I was worried if I didn't contact him he would start drinking again, I was sceptical about whether he actually had changed, I was angry - after all these years he finally gets himself sorted and expects to be able to waltz back into my life and for me to be ready and waiting for him!
Ultimately, once I gave myself the chance to think about it, I realised that if I was to get back in contact with my dad, it would have to be for the right reasons and being worried about what might happen if I didn't wasn't the right reason. I concluded that I wasn't ready yet - I'm not in a place in my own recovery where I would be able to cope with it, I would find myself falling back into the same unhealthy behaviour patterns and that wouldn't be good for either of us. It was so hard but as my (amazing) therapist told me, 'If he really has changed then he'll accept it and wait for you' and actually being strong enough to say 'No! I'm sorry but I don't want this in my life right now!' was the most empowering thing to come from all of this.
Remember you are always the most important person in whatever you decide is right for your life so put yourself first.
It doesn't always have to be forever and it doesn't mean you don't love or care about them.
As I touched upon at the beginning, having a people clear out doesn't always have to be a forever situation - perhaps it could be like putting your summer clothes into storage for the winter.
I did also mention briefly at the beginning of this blog post that I did decide to cut two significant people out my life - the other one, which I haven't really spoken about, it was pretty much a forever decision and that still feels right. With my dad, however, in spite of everything, I have always said that the situation would not be forever and I still stand by that. If you do consider trying to re-build a relationship with a person you had previously 'cleared out', I think it is important that the relationship is on your terms and is managed in a way that suits you. I know I am not in a strong enough place to be able to achieve this with my dad yet but it is what I aspire to have further along the line.
I don't think you can expect it to be perfect either, what relationships are? You have to be realistic in your expectations - I personally have always had in mind that I would have quite a minimal, distant relationship with my dad in which I would be able to show care for him but at the same time have clear boundaries.
Having a people clear out sounds so harsh and definite but it doesn't mean that you don't love or care for them, it means that you are no longer going to allow them to have a negative impact on your life and sometimes that in turn does them a favour too!
In spite of everything that has happened, I still love my dad and I always will, but I know that I could never be the one to save him, only he could do that, and I've got my own life to lead too.
I know that I have shared a lot in this blog post about my own personal experience with my dad but I really hope that some of the things I've written about could be related or applied to other scenarios.
Sometimes you have to make a lot of changes or take risks to grab hold of your own life and be the leading lady (or man) that everyone deserves to be.
Love and Strength,
The One Day Seeker
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